Why is the field all swirly? And is a swirly an appropriate punishment for the excreter of this app?

Ever wondered how to write a really snappy description for your app? Just crib it from Wikipedia!

The horse is a hooved mammal, a subspecies of the family Equidae. The horse has evolved over the past 45 to 55 million years from a small multi-toed creature into the large, single-toed animal of today. Humans began to domesticate horses around 4000 BC, and their domestication is believed to have been widespread by 3000 BC. Although most horses today are domesticated, there are still endangered populations of the Przewalski’s Horse, the only remaining true wild horse, as well as more common populations of feral horses which live in the wild but are descended from domesticated ancestors. There is an extensive, specialized vocabulary used to describe equine-related concepts, covering everything from anatomy to life stages, size, colors, markings, breeds, locomotion, and behaviour.

Enjoy 12 sounds of the horse. If your a horse lover you enjoy these great sounds

Admittedly, we couldn’t bring ourselves to pony up $0.99 to actually try it, but really, the nightmare of anything galloping from the open field to our device — let alone horse 's — sent us into unbridled paroxysms of whinnying, which left us a little horse. (And almost sent us to the horsepital — we really oat to know better.) But this is really quite filly — “hay, get to the mane point” our readers are thinking. Neigh, let’s add mule to the fire before we trot out our observations. We really are sorry for saddling you with this and pommeling the point to death, but we felt the need to burro deeply.

Wait, were we going somewhere with that?

Download Horse 's ($0.99)

YO WHAT'S GOOD ALL MY MIDDELFARTERS?

You guys, we were actually expecting something else when we saw an app called “Buddy Holly Middelfart.” As in, uh, “so hey, Buddy Holly, can I get in the middle of that—” our imaginations went racing to the gutter.

Apparently, though, it’s Danish or some shit, and has something to do with a nightclub (“Pub & Dance!”). But luckily, this review isn’t a total loss: we still get to look at some photos of people doing embarrassing things! Buddy Holly would be proud.

If this damn thing didn’t crash every three seconds, we could have brought you more review sausage. But still: thumbs up (?) on a great app!!!

Download Buddy Holly Middelfart (free)

As you know, here at PerversionTracker we hold our staff to extremely high standards of journalistic excellence, which require us to purchase and fairly evaluate each app using a standardized scoring rubric ahh ha ha haaa jesus balls who are we kidding we just throw shit at a wall and see which chunks stick.

Today, let’s make fun of some screenshots! In this case, the developer’s own atrocious promotional materials saved us the trouble of purchasing, using, and taking deceptive and misleading screenshots of the actual app. (We bought a Slurpee with the money saved!!)

Facebook Touch HD is the fastest, easiest-to-use, most convenient Facebook app, plus the only one with as much personality as you have! Optimized for the high definition touch screens of iPad and iPhone 4, and easily customized to match your mood, you’ll soon wonder how you ever lived without it.

A filthy, dingleberried Facebook peacock. Can you taste the rainbow?

I WONDER HOW I LIVED WITHOUT THIS.

"Enjoy your new toy, thanks for the chat!" #worstfirstdate?

Hold up, is she holding a BlackBerry?

App Store reviewer “devindaboy” offered a particularly eloquent opinion: “u guys rly fixed the bugs but it still runs crazy slo. and im having 2 thoughts soooooo give it one more fix plz.”

We’re having 2 thoughts right now, too: anal. discharge. God, give us a fix for that, plz.

While we’re waiting for deliverance, purchasing a copy of Facebook Touch HD is probably the closest you can get to feeling our pain.

Download Facebook Touch HD ($0.99)

We regard the following as an uncontroversial statement, maybe even aspiring to the status of “fact”: The oleophobic coating on iPhone 3GS and above is the most important improvement to the iPhone since cubed ham. Finally, meat slurry food and our phones could be handled in the same paw like a nutritious, $200 pair of baoding balls.

What if phone and brunch could be one and the same, though? Surely, we could sustain ourselves on the fruits of iOS alone? This is the unlikely premise that we thought we detected in the description of More Tacos!, reprinted hereinafter:

The More Tacos! menu. Instructions: touch anywhere for crap.

More Tacos! Build, eat, share and enjoy tacos using your iPod Touch or iPhone. Learn how to build tacos! Build your own or use the templates to build various types of tacos!

You can build all kinds of tacos:

• Chicken
• Supreme
• Beef
• Pita
• Soft Tacos

Use various ingredients:

• Chicken
• Tomatoes
• Shredded Lettuce
• Shredded Cheese
• and MORE!

And all for only $0.99? Great giblets of glory!

It turns out that building, eating, sharing, and enjoying tacos involves exactly this:

This taco is not actually om nom nom nomable.

We wish we'd spent that $0.99 on an actual chicken taco instead.

Are these the developer credits?

While we thumb-thrashed about in confusion, muttering, “build? eat? share?!… enjoy?”, our armpits smelled something like a 9.3. We adopted this as the official rating for More Tacos! 1.0. May there never be a change to that version number, Pajenco LLC.

Download More Tacos! 1.0 ($0.99)