Why is the field all swirly? And is a swirly an appropriate punishment for the excreter of this app?

Ever wondered how to write a really snappy description for your app? Just crib it from Wikipedia!

The horse is a hooved mammal, a subspecies of the family Equidae. The horse has evolved over the past 45 to 55 million years from a small multi-toed creature into the large, single-toed animal of today. Humans began to domesticate horses around 4000 BC, and their domestication is believed to have been widespread by 3000 BC. Although most horses today are domesticated, there are still endangered populations of the Przewalski’s Horse, the only remaining true wild horse, as well as more common populations of feral horses which live in the wild but are descended from domesticated ancestors. There is an extensive, specialized vocabulary used to describe equine-related concepts, covering everything from anatomy to life stages, size, colors, markings, breeds, locomotion, and behaviour.

Enjoy 12 sounds of the horse. If your a horse lover you enjoy these great sounds

Admittedly, we couldn’t bring ourselves to pony up $0.99 to actually try it, but really, the nightmare of anything galloping from the open field to our device — let alone horse 's — sent us into unbridled paroxysms of whinnying, which left us a little horse. (And almost sent us to the horsepital — we really oat to know better.) But this is really quite filly — “hay, get to the mane point” our readers are thinking. Neigh, let’s add mule to the fire before we trot out our observations. We really are sorry for saddling you with this and pommeling the point to death, but we felt the need to burro deeply.

Wait, were we going somewhere with that?

Download Horse 's ($0.99)

YO WHAT'S GOOD ALL MY MIDDELFARTERS?

You guys, we were actually expecting something else when we saw an app called “Buddy Holly Middelfart.” As in, uh, “so hey, Buddy Holly, can I get in the middle of that—” our imaginations went racing to the gutter.

Apparently, though, it’s Danish or some shit, and has something to do with a nightclub (“Pub & Dance!”). But luckily, this review isn’t a total loss: we still get to look at some photos of people doing embarrassing things! Buddy Holly would be proud.

If this damn thing didn’t crash every three seconds, we could have brought you more review sausage. But still: thumbs up (?) on a great app!!!

Download Buddy Holly Middelfart (free)

Today, let’s make fun of some screenshots! In this case, the developer’s own atrocious promotional materials saved us the trouble of purchasing, using, and taking deceptive and misleading screenshots of the actual app. (We bought a Slurpee with the money saved!!)

Facebook Touch HD is the fastest, easiest-to-use, most convenient Facebook app, plus the only one with as much personality as you have! Optimized for the high definition touch screens of iPad and iPhone 4, and easily customized to match your mood, you’ll soon wonder how you ever lived without it.

A filthy, dingleberried Facebook peacock. Can you taste the rainbow?

I WONDER HOW I LIVED WITHOUT THIS.

"Enjoy your new toy, thanks for the chat!" #worstfirstdate?

Hold up, is she holding a BlackBerry?

App Store reviewer “devindaboy” offered a particularly eloquent opinion: “u guys rly fixed the bugs but it still runs crazy slo. and im having 2 thoughts soooooo give it one more fix plz.”

We’re having 2 thoughts right now, too: anal. discharge. God, give us a fix for that, plz.

While we’re waiting for deliverance, purchasing a copy of Facebook Touch HD is probably the closest you can get to feeling our pain.

Download Facebook Touch HD ($0.99)

What if phone and brunch could be one and the same, though? Surely, we could sustain ourselves on the fruits of iOS alone? This is the unlikely premise that we thought we detected in the description of More Tacos!, reprinted hereinafter:

The More Tacos! menu. Instructions: touch anywhere for crap.

More Tacos! Build, eat, share and enjoy tacos using your iPod Touch or iPhone. Learn how to build tacos! Build your own or use the templates to build various types of tacos!

You can build all kinds of tacos:

• Chicken
• Supreme
• Beef
• Pita
• Soft Tacos

Use various ingredients:

• Chicken
• Tomatoes
• Shredded Lettuce
• Shredded Cheese
• and MORE!

And all for only $0.99? Great giblets of glory!

It turns out that building, eating, sharing, and enjoying tacos involves exactly this:

This taco is not actually om nom nom nomable.

We wish we'd spent that $0.99 on an actual chicken taco instead.

Are these the developer credits?

While we thumb-thrashed about in confusion, muttering, “build? eat? share?!… enjoy?”, our armpits smelled something like a 9.3. We adopted this as the official rating for More Tacos! 1.0. May there never be a change to that version number, Pajenco LLC.

Download More Tacos! 1.0 ($0.99)

The App that gives back... what, exactly?

There's so much more here, but we just don't have the heart to go on.

Kindness: The App that gives back!

This application gives the user a list of deeds for the week that may improve their lives or more importantly, the lives of others. […] Life should be about being good to other people out of pure kindness, not for the possibility of a reward, but because it’s the right thing to do.

While we admire and wholeheartedly embrace the underlying philosophy of “Kindness: The App that gives back!”, it is a difficult message to digest when you’re being shitkicked by a user interface that invites you to preemptively vacate your bowels in order to soothe the pain.

It’s no understatement to say that when the PerversionTracker staff first saw this app, Vesuvian trembles literally rocked our innards, inducing a sort of religious petrification in the face of the inevitable. This was soon followed by an urgent concern for our triple-ply silken undergarments.

We quickly realized that the most therapeutic act would be to share this experience with a few hundred close friends and family, so it was a relief to see the button marked “Social Networks” prominently displayed. We grasped at it, and everything went boom, boom, boom (even brighter than the moon, moon, moon).

Even Katy Perry cannot save you from social media vomit in your face

It’s a rough world out there, and we need our best and brightest working on pumping every ounce of your kindness into the constricted capillaries of your social graph, we suppose. In the meantime, save your $0.99 (yes, we really bought it!) and take this 8.7739/10 rating to the bank instead.

Download Kindness ($0.99)

We think you’ll enjoy it, too.

At times like these, we find ourselves turning to the great Russian poet Aleksandr Blok to express the depth of our feelings.

Night, street, lamp, drugstore,
A dull and meaningless light.
Go on and live another quarter century –
Nothing will change. There’s no way out.

You’ll die, then start from the beginning,
It will repeat, just like before:
Night, icy ripples on a canal,
Drugstore, street, lamp.

And also, chlamydia.

Download iBlood Test ($0.99)

As parents, we all know that there are times when our children have to be put into a timeout. [...] Experts recommend putting your child in timeout for one minute per year old – in other words, a five year old should get a 5 minute time out and a two year old should get a 2 minute time out.

(Who are these experts, anyways? We suspect they deserve a timeout with a butter-covered Rubik’s Cube and a long, stern talking-to from a Carl Sagan-voiced bureaucrat.)

Anyways, just before he collapsed onto his keyboard, accidentally submitting this jar of lard and fecal melba to the App Store, developer Michael-John Wolfe was apparently straining hard to solve the one problem that faces all child-banishers: what to do when the snot-nosed toddler toddles its way out of the can?

"HUG!", indeed.

A creepy blued-eyed, coked-up baby yelling “HUG!” over a weird clanging noise. Classy move, M-J.

After trying the free version — weakened by the heady thrill of the hunt — we thoughtlessly forfeited $.99 (3.04 Malaysian Ringgits) for the chance to see what more savory childrearing morsels awaited us on the other side of the fancy arras.

And? It turns out our nickels bought nothing more than the chance to have the same dross-packet installed twice on our testbed of Vajazzle-encrusted iPhones. Apparently, actors-cum-appcrafters are a little confused about how to execute the “freemium” business model. Or about what money is for. Probably the second one.

In section 418 of “On Certainty”, Ludwig Wittgenstein wonders, “Is my understanding only blindness to my own lack of understanding? It often seems so to me.”

Ludwig, we love you. M-J? Take your mediocre 8.3/10 to your spittle-smeared timeout corner and don’t come back until you’ve turned that 2D, all-American frown upside down.

Download iTimeOut 1.1