PerversionTracker - Home

iMarkMySpot 2.0

2008-09-05T05:19:00Z

photo tags / shit’s white hot
drinking tea / i mark my spot

multi touch / multi shake
geo tag / a trouser snake

I Am Rich 1.0

2008-08-06T04:12:00Z

Art & Livestyle [sic] - Not for everyone

The red icon on your iPhone or iPod touch always reminds you (and others when you show it to them) that you were able to afford this.

It's a work of art with no hidden function at all.

After pressing the (i) on the main page, a secret mantra will be shown. This may help you to to [sic] stay rich, healthy and successful.

If it's to [sic, just sic dude] expensive for you - check out my other apps - they are all much cheaper.

Armin Heinrich, we must surmise that at some point during your tender-yet-crunchy youth, the other children discovered your name's robust anagram: Chin Hair Miner. And so, a lifetime of the aforementioned sobriquet leads us, as inevitably as a herd of weasels infesting a sock drawer, to this scoriaceous anti-gem. But we must ask, do the soul-piercing torments of your incubation justify this $999.99 abortion? Chew carefully, Heiny — the truth will soon be revealed, almost certainly in sandwich form. Or maybe some type of pita. Omens are tricky like that.

Yea, the die has been cast, oh noble Hair Miner. Our fitful auguries are now committed to the winds. These guttural mantras have transfigured our glistening memories of the Rubicon into a torrent of bile-scented gall. You jerk.

Download I Am Rich

Your cheddar makes us better

2008-08-01T03:38:00Z

Since some of the very worst iPhone apps cost money, we've added a donate button way up there at the top. No, on the left. In the orange. You're orange/orange colorblind? Well, we didn't want your dumb nickels anyway.

*Note: if, after buying reviewable items, we have any monies left over, we assure you, the reader, that we will squander it on worthless gimcracks, Russian fur hats and pogo sticks.

iFob 2.1

2008-07-30T23:03:00Z

iFob is like no other local social networking application. A new paradigm in social networking. No internet connection needed! No GPS needed. iPod Touch even works great!

At first, we constructed an elaborate "micro user-profile" for ourselves, detailing our innermost hopes and dreams. We lovingly selected a photo of Steven Seagal, and even agonized for several minutes over which gender to choose (long hair, short hair, or blurry?). We stroked the curvy green arrow button, for the sole reason that it felt good, and were duly rewarded:

iFob: wireless. social. real.

Then, high on life, we touched one of the many other inscrutable buttons, which promptly deleted our profile and launched Safari. Like an enraged llama, nostrils a-flaring, we berated ourselves for our failure to study the symbol key more carefully. iFob includes a handy help page, and we didn't read it, like the lackadaisical button-mashers we are!

Nonetheless, determined to find the good in this application, we dug through the settings and found an unexpected happiness:

When in Near List: Vibrate!

We were intrigued by the possibility of vibrations whenever friends approach, but having neither a vibration-capable iPhone nor friends, we were unable to test this thrilling new frontier.

I think this means that I consider myself simultaneously boring and interesting.

Perhaps more interesting than iFob itself is the unnerving enthusiasm found in other reviews:

iPhoneFreak: Say you are walking around the mall in a wireless hotspot area and you see a hot person walking towards you. You wonder - does she iFob? Huh? What the hell is that? [...] It seems like an interesting idea - have you be [sic] iFobbed yet?

LAMP Watercooler: I think the ‘comment’ part is the most powerful aspect, sort of broadcast SMS, and can imagine lots of whispering ‘are you the one who likes playing Pink Floyd while dancing around in the bathroom, dressed as a Panda’ (or similar!). I am off to Sydney CBD on Saturday and will be actively trying out my iFob on unsuspecting, I mean consenting iFobbers.

Just Another iPhone Blog: I’ve installed iFob and gave it a quick go at a couple of Starbucks this evening - but alas, did not find any other iPhoners / iFobbers as yet. Hopefully this will catch on a bit, and will be a fun way to meet up with other iPhone / Touch owners when you feel like it, and socialize a bit more directly once in a while.

Need we say more?

iCloseBy.com, you really have succeeded in designing a social network built for two (or fewer). Still, if it doesn't work out, perhaps you should consider offering iFob Solitaire: left hand. right hand. real.

Download iFob

r u drunk 1.0

2008-07-30T05:49:00Z

Cops are cracking down. On MobilityWare's applications! After a brief perusal of the extant marketing material on this fine product, we chose to rechristen it "R U Drunk Enough to Give Us Money?", or RUDEGUM for short.

After fortifying ourselves with a small margarita and a large gibberellic acid float, we unhinged our well-linted vault of assorted Slovenian specie, and shelled out a shocking $2.99 (≈ €0.04) towards our current favorite charity, Assistance Society for Steve Jobs' Unbelievably Gnarly Squirts (ASSJUGS).

After a gristly, but enjoyable bout of Mac/iPhone semaphore-based application installation, we were finally ready to plunge our telereviewdonics deeply into the slushy accretions that comprise the substantial groin of the "app store". Our regrets were cast aside like an pitifully inadequate iPod accessory. Our hearts were filled with rage. Phil Schiller's hair got the party started (but only in the back).

Were he still alive, Thoreau would doubtless advise us to beware of any venture requiring one to blow into a bottom hole, no matter how pleasingly glossy said hole may be.

Sadly, he's not here to warn us. He perished in a tragic head-on collision with a pond. If only he had continued gauging his stuporousness by the time-honored "Neckbeard Metric," he would be with us today. But he's gone. Like so many other 19^th century American philosophers, Thoreau remains trapped at the bottom of a kettle hole, lips still locked to a primitive iPhone.

MobilityWare, we can do nothing further for you, but to recommend daily application of fluconazole to all affected software until major symptoms subside.

Download ru drunk

iDemocrat release 1.0 build 2 & iRepublican release 0.9 build 3

2008-07-28T19:37:00Z

I am proud of being a Democrat and want to show it off then install this application now. Join the 72 million registered members and show your commadiere [sic], express your loyalty to the party and say with pride "I am Democrat".

I am Republican, and want the badge of pride on my iPhone. Then get this application and keep the republican elephant on your screen always.

iDemocrat and iRepublican, retailing for $0.99 each, are too easy. Mockery just seems so cruel, like whack-a-mole, except with hummingbirds in place of the moles. Also, they're in straitjackets. And sedated. Don't they deserve a little mercy?

Luckily, we have a reviewer on staff for whom whack-a-hummingbird never felt so good. Her name is Mary Worth and she's hot to trot on these new multi-touch interfaces:

Actually, Mary and Jeff seem a little too excited about multi-touching...

So let's ignore the foreplay and cut to the chase: iDemocrat and iRepublican do nothing more than display a blandly jingoistic party emblem. The screenshots tell all — or at least, I hope they do. Hell if I'm going to actually buy this crap.

Download iDemocrat
Download iRepublican

The Return of the Gangster

2008-07-27T07:16:00Z

Burrowed deep under the tree bark, the reviewers waited patiently for the seventh anniversary of domain registration. The prophesy had foretold of a new crop of software, perhaps poorly written, often audaciously priced, but most importantly, bulging with cankerous errors for the reviewers to feast on.

Chewing through tree bark, like shipping software, is tough on the secondary maxillae. Still, we're here now, and ready to swarm o'er the land, ravenously devouring the 99¢ dreams of unwashed Cocoa Touchers everywhere.

Please send all candidate software, plaudits, and cheese wheels to our email address which can easily be deciphered by lightly coating your display with wetted cream of tartar.