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“Like an angry Immigration officer, Jared’s distinctive rendition grabs us, slaps us around, threatens to cavity search us and ultimately demands our passport be issued from that same circle of hell from which his voice originates.”
So do the Jared Liner Notes describe the unique entity that is Jared. And it is nearly correct, for never before has the world seen such a singing harmonizing yellow face. But this is no ordinary singing face! Jared goes above and beyond the ordinary singing-face app, many of which doubtlessly exist.
Although some users may be satisfied with looping the included “El Carnicero de Canciones” until their eardrums flee and escape to Panama, advanced Jared users will wish to use its preferences to select a song of their choosing, preferably one with actual words, so as not to embarrass Jared too much. I recommend Finnish polka music.
Do not be fooled by the smooth and simple exterior; This assemblage of foolishness is packed tight with features — This will show you how tight it is: It’s spandex tight — like the ability to move Jared to the Dock, where he will serenade you without taking up too much of your valuable screen space, like the space you currently use to help you remember your name. Seeing impaired rejoice; Jared will even shift his singing from left speaker to right depending on his location on screen, thus assisting should you ever lose sight of his floating yellow specter in some corner of your screen, perhaps under the floating window that continually reminds you of your home phone number.
From these screen shots you may have formed the impression that Jared is a simple animation, a mindlessly babbling simulacra, but observe; Jared actually responds to the volume of the song he is singing, in a fashion similar to a hyperactive gang of frostbitten geese lip-syncing to Static-X. This, combined with the incredible stereo features, makes Jared, Butcher of Songs a compellingly songtastic application fit for any occasion where you may need a little visual accompaniment to your tunes.
Freeverse Software, I award you a 9.4. Had this singing pancake integrated with various MP3 players, perhaps as a visual plugin, it would have increased its uselessness substantially.
Posted by jan at March 4, 2003 04:20 PM | TrackBackFirst comment!!
Posted by: on March 4, 2003 04:23 PMDOH!
Why? Why am I never first?
Tell me the truth. Is it because I am slow?
Posted by: rutabaga delight on March 4, 2003 05:35 PMHey! the purposefully useless software shouldn't count. Your obviously a paid shill for Freeverse.
Posted by: Ross on March 4, 2003 05:56 PMIt counts if I want it to count!
You mean we could get PAID for this? Crap, maybe we could blackmail Microsoft.
Posted by: Jan on March 4, 2003 07:09 PMjared's now available for os x! hooray! though i still much preferred simstapler. hee.
Posted by: gl. on March 4, 2003 07:15 PMSpooky! The initial 50% transparency makes Jared look absolutely ghostly.
Posted by: Spank My Monkey on March 4, 2003 08:40 PMOh yes. Thank you Perversiontracker for my vendication. I knew this "thing" would eventually end up here! An lo, the powers that be knewith my plea, and gave me pancakes. And the people rejoyced saying: "Glory to Spam in the highest."
Posted by: Justin on March 4, 2003 11:16 PMWhat's really bad is, when your software's been on PV, and you still read it everyday. :-)
Posted by: on March 5, 2003 02:09 AMPretty nifty actually. You can replace the song, put it in the Dock, and it has its own Dock menu.
Posted by: strobe on March 5, 2003 02:58 AMHey Jared's always been useless and proud of it !!!
Posted by: Hodag on March 5, 2003 07:50 AMThank God - this was the last thing holding me back from moving to OS X!
So, will this work on my Performa 6220 CD?
Posted by: cptnrandy on March 5, 2003 09:32 AMHe's a dictator and a liar, and we're going to have a regime change if it kills THOUSANDS of innocent...oh, waitaminnit...yeah, this is kewl, especially the nucular yellow color.
Posted by: Dubya on March 5, 2003 09:49 AMTruly the torsion-inducer of the trilling tone-deaf. Jared will live forever. Look up "torsion" in a medical dictionary if you don't know what it means.
Gracias, PVT. Speaking of medical, I truly miss Virtual Viagra - now that was a great piece of useless Freeverse freeware! Now I must go flagellate myself now for being nostalgic for 1998.
Posted by: osorbano on March 5, 2003 04:57 PMI believe Freeverse released Jared with the INTENT of being a horrible piece of useless software---ooh that soong, the off key flat sing....shiver---.Therefore, by giving them a Perversiontracker score of 9.4 aren't you really justifying them? If software's supposed to be bad--and it gets a high score, isn't its real score (score)^(-1)?
Posted by: babbelfish on March 5, 2003 06:46 PMThe score does not represent badness.
Posted by: Jan on March 5, 2003 07:16 PM"The score does not represent badness."
But the awful software is so much more fun.
And goopy.
Posted by: Avril Laverne and Ashirley on March 6, 2003 11:39 AMOK, I just had to try it out... The worse part is, after the first launch, it don't work correctly [sic] under 10.2. And it won't play any other song other than the one it contantly plays on its' own...
Oh Gods... Stop the madness...
I think I may need to reformat my hard drive after this...
Posted by: carbonCopy on March 6, 2003 12:22 PMSimStapler? Did someone mention SimStapler?
http://users.pandora.be/frederik/products/simstapler/
Posted by: Frederik De Bleser on March 6, 2003 05:10 PMDude! SimStapler! Awesome!
Funny how you can be discussing old, totally useless software with somebody one day, then be able to download it and show them the brand spank-me new version the next.
(Now... Where's SimTape?)
Posted by: Aaaah! on March 6, 2003 06:01 PMWhoa. 10.2? There has been 10 versions?
Posted by: White Fire on March 7, 2003 12:44 AMOkay, something wrong here... this review actually MADE me want to download the application and try it out. First time for everything, I guess...
Posted by: thebeagle on March 10, 2003 07:12 PMI've got Jared on my Newton. This is one of the best programs to show to my friends, right after the evenly useful handwriting recognition!
Posted by: TT on March 14, 2003 04:40 AMAnd Jared is emminently hackable so Jared will sing whatever you command. I have even created QT audio streams, created a reference movie and stuck them in. But then Jared does not sing along.
And Jared is emminently hackable so Jared will sing whatever you command. I have even created QT audio streams, created a reference movie and stuck them in. But then Jared does not sing along.
Posted by: JerSey on March 14, 2003 04:48 PMWill he play mp3's?
Anybody order the Jared CD?
It rawks!
Posted by: speed1000 on May 8, 2003 11:35 AM