So you're the unthinking clot who built that damnable pile of wildebeests and snot during the Great Sudan Blizzard of '04! My God, man! It took me days to wipe that execrable crud from my highly polished cavalry boots, and the ribbing I got from the men ... Just not cricket, old chap!

Not bad enough that I had to cut the throat of my favourite aardvark to save myself from freezing to death. But it turns out that the blizzard was nothing but the crusty scalp flakes of a regiment of French Legionnaires who'd simply run out of shampoo.

Gads, but those were the days, what! The good old Sudan.

Belvedere, a jug of Chateau Hogphlegm, old boy! My wist is over-full!

HOW do you EVEN find this STUFF??

I mean,
How DO YOU even FIND THIS stuff?

Seriously?

I'm waiting breathlessly by the phone for your answer, for I am a horny housewife.

Too bad it's freeware; if it was shareware, he
could add a registration dialog that, if you
haven't yet registered, stays up for 40 seconds
(like the previously-skewered DBF2LDIF) before
quitting. Or he could make it time-limited:
if you attempt to use it after the 30-day trial
period, it won't quit anymore. No matter what.
Rebooting, power cycling, hurricanes, asteroid
impacts, are all ineffective! It will continue
to run, no matter what, until your shareware fee
is paid! Positively evil, I tell you!

There are two references to porcupines in todays review, one direct and one oblique. We of the Erethizontidae and Hystricidae family of Rodentia strongly object to being mentioned in any article refering to R***B*****.

We are very good at what we do, as contrasted to what R***B***** does. Please remove the references in the current article, and never make that egregious combination again.

Or you will learn of another new technology, TCP/IP/STICKU

Actually, members of the Erethizontidae and Hystricidae family of Rodentia, we did not reference R***b***** in today's article. Instead, selfQuit has been produced with AppleScript, which keeps it a slim 36k, as opposed to the 1.5MB one would expect from R***b*****.

'Ow typical! Something as 'istorically important as the Great Sudan Blizzard of '04 is overwhelmed by some puerility wiz ze 'edge'ogs! And 'oo is this merde-for-brains "aussie boy" 'oo sounds like ze Colonel Blimp anglais! Oui, we men of the 44th Regiment scratched our scalps zat day, I will not deny it. But it was not because we ran out of ze shampoo. Let me tell you ze full story ...

It was 'ot. Alors, but it was 'ot! And we were beset by Sudani tribesmen, incensed zat we were even in ze Sudan (which was, after all, not in any way 'istorically linked wiz Francais). We were lost. We were 'ot. We were 'ungry. But not so 'ungry that we could face ze wrath of zese 'orrible Sudanis, brandishing their pointy baguettes! Have you ever faced a grimacing Sudani wielding ze baguette avec fromage, sharpened like ze pencil, and wishing to insert it in ze back passage? Non! Zen 'ow can you judge us for what we did zat day?

We formed a line, waited until ze wind swung in our favour, and scratched like fury, until ze very 'airs were standing up on our 'eads. Ze dandruff, she formed a cloud, zen slowly rolled forward in ze breeze. Under ze cover of ze white, we crept away, muffling our bits so zey didn't jingle. (And we had such immense and jingly bits, we men of ze 44th!)

And we would 'ave made it, too, except some imbecile had built a fortress of wildebeest and snot ... and so we were trapped between ze imbecile and ze tribesmen.

It was 'orrible, so 'orrible I can tell you no more of that terrible day. I am ze only survivor of ze 44th, and even now, I can not look at un baguette avec fromage -- even a blunt one -- much less a wildebeest. And if someone blows zere nose ...

Respect for ze men of ze 44th. Is it so much too ask? So take your 'edge'ogs and play wiz zem somewhere else, for it is I 'oo must live wiz ze ghosts of ze dead ... and a dry and itchy scalp, non?

SelfQuit: It's not only the title, it's also the readme

Finally, a day without references to wombats....ahhhhh.....

Couldn't leave it alone, could you babbelfish! Just when all the fuss had died down and my old friend Fatso the Wombat thought it was safe to come out and do what he does best -- he eats shoots, roots and leaves -- you have to go and drag him into the public quagmire that is PerversionTracker.

Leave our native species alone -- all of them, even the quokkas! -- or you'll be hearing from our brave lads in the 15th Royal Australian Barbecue Inferno Engineers Squadron (15 RABIES), who will lightly grill your buttocks (which will have been marinated in a delightful mixture of soy sauce, honey, garlic and koala poo-poo) over a slightly smokey, bluish flame (eucalyptus wood imparts such a delicate flavour), and then stab you repeatedly through the heart with a rusty bayonet.

Or I'll send round Aunt Hilda -- the slobbery one with the prickly top lip -- to kiss you. Your choice, matey!

Would an echidna work better aussie boy?

"'Quit and re-launch' mode that cycles continuously, and cannot be turned off once activated. Useful for 'testing,' especially when combined with the chalkboard sound."

Alright ladd, have you been screwing with my computer? My Finder does exactly that sometimes right after I login. Minus the chalkboard sound.

I assume, Hodag, that you must be referring to the Long-beaked Echidna of highland New Guinea, because if I thought for one minute that you'd disregarded my rather subtle warnings -- nay, instructions! -- to leave our native fauna (and, for that matter flora) out of this iniquitous den of halfwitted skulduggery and fart jokes ...

If I thought for even a semi-demi-hemiquaver that you were referring to the Short-beaked Echidna, which occurs in almost every habitat in Australia, including the soiled undergarments of several of our less savoury politicians ...

If I had the slightest inkling, my little mate, that you were taking the proverbial piss out of our beautiful and unique wildlife ...

Well, let's just think of it this way. Have you ever seen anyone being bound and gagged, painted in molasses, and thrown on the nest of the Giant Taswegian Fire Ants of the Derwent River Basin? Have you ever seen a molasses-painted fool writhing and screaming as the Fire Ants start with their favourite meals -- eyeball jelly, earwax, nasal mucus, the soft skin of the inner thighs ...

No? Well how'd you like to see it through the eyes of experience, funny bugger? Laugh it up, you putrefied peck of pelleted possum poo! I know where you live.

Now, how do you take your tea? Milk? Sugar? I'm sure I have some Anzac biscuits here somewhere ...

The funny thing is that when I received this file's submission over at MacUpdate, I laughed out loud. Then I made a bet that VersionTracker would get the submission and actually post the thing.

About 1 hour later they did. WOW!

The VersionTracker code of posting goes something like this:

1. Is it software? [Tick!]
2. Does it have any earthly purpose? a) Yes b) No c) Don't know d) Don't care [d) Tick!]

Great, put the mongrel up there! And with a bit of luck, some halfwit who thinks he's a genius will post a review in which he simultaneously insult's the software developer, insults the software developer's grandmother, insults everyone else who's posted a review of the software, and proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that if you threw a pebble into his earhole, it would go straight into the void within his skull and be heard rattling away in there until the end of eternity.

I dare you to tell me I'm wrong ...

Sweet! It's almost like the developer has combined all the best features of Word, IE and Outlook!

Yeah, VT is all about volume and not quality and an editorial policy. That's probably exactly why this site has so much fodder. And, hell, just take a look at the Windows side of VT if you want to see a goldmine of software that makes you say "huh-w'z'at?"

'Bout time I said a word defence of VT (especially now that I've had at it with my size-10 pruning saw and serrated muff badger). Of course it's bloody marvellous that it slaps any old albatross poop up on its overstretched canvas -- it's like the Jackson Pollock of the software world. Splat! Slop! Squoosh! And man must suffer for his art. Anyone who downloads half that rubbish will surely suffer ...

Belvedere, put your back into it man! I'll never finish this sculpture if you flay like a girl! Whip with the wrists, man! Use the wrists!

Alright, now if this app could automatically download, decompress, plus auto-start to boot, it would be a hit. It would be so efficient, you wouldn't even notice it!

I'm thinking about making a game about flipping a card.

"Oscar to NASA One."
"Roger."
"VCS armed, switch is on."
"Okay, Victor."
"Landing rockets are armed, switch is on. Here comes the throttle, circuit breakers in."
"We have separation."
"Roger."
"Inboard and outboards are on. Comin' a-port with the side-stick."
"Oscar?"
"Uh, Roger."
"I've got a blow-out--damper three!"
"Get your pitch to zero."
"Pitch is out--I can't hold altitude."
"Direction alpha hold is off, try trajectory emergency!"
"Flight Comm! I can't hold it! She's breaking up, she's brea--"

selfQuit, application. A program barely alive.

Gentlemen:
We can rebuild it. We *have* the technology. We have the capability to make the world's first bionic program. selfQuit will *be* that program.

Better, stronger, faster!

The worst thing is, the download size is over 4k. I made a working version with a DL size of 198 bytes. Can someone do even better?

Hey, don't make fun of such a cool app! :P Actually this is more than apparently useless. It's PerversionTracker apparently useless, even though PerversionTrackers IS apparently useless, which makes this sentence apparently useless, which is apparently useless to even say.

I've never seen something that odd before, even including Windows XP, what is used by some of my friends.