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Building on the thrilling strategy elements of such games as Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing, CloneShooter is not your father’s shooting game. In fact, it is worse. Much worse. Worse than a carny-promoted waterfowl hunt. Rife with dubious UI choices, and crosshatch background patterns, I only wish that I had reached for the force-quit key combo sooner. The music was a pervasive blend of poorly-played electric guitar loops that can only be forgotten through repeated applications of hot mustard plasters.
Featuring scores of stiffly jerking humanoid figures, who we take to be the clones, the gameplay is no better than the trappings. Evidently the player is expected to shoot the clones while avoiding injury to the hostages. As near as I can determine, the best strategy in this “game” is to stay ducked behind the ledge as much as possible, and only rarely pop up to fire off a burst of ammo. Sickeningly, you must do this rapidly enough to kill the clones faster than they appear. And appear they will, in vast quantities, presumably from some off-screen high velocity terrorist clone laboratory. At this stage, we consider it likely that the terrorists are using yogurts, puddings, flans, custards, crème brulées, and other similarly glutinous substances to form an emulsion for this “flashcloning” process.
For whatever reason, hostages did not appear until the 4th level, and were differentiated from the terrorist clones by being women, and having blindfolds and tied hands. You sick sexist bastards! Strangely, the hostages also multiply at the same rate as the clones, and fly about the screen in the same frenetic fashion, making their death practically inevitable. In this way, the game is almost realistic, as real handguns are many times more likely to cause death or injury to the gun owner or owner’s family than to some supposed miscreant. Not surprisingly, this fact does not magically become false when the National Rifle Association attempts another of their miserably moronic arguments.
The documentation makes a limpid attempt to explain this pathetic mess by explicating the story-line, which is as follows: “Supposedly a terrorist cloned himself a few years ago. We had thought that he only had 3 or so clones. We were wrong.” Well, now that they’ve explained themselves, this game is completely fucking brilliant. By making the clones appear similar to Craig Venter, slack-jawed suckah of the genome world, Industrial Magnolia has created a stunning postmodern commentary on the human genetic quandary, and we hope they will accept our offer of a 10.8.
Posted by ladd at April 14, 2003 05:12 PM | TrackBackAnd apparently this all takes place on a checker/chess board. How intriguingly bland. I suppose its sort of like Doom: Extreme Chess. But without the bouncy walking or almost believeable storyline. Or the cool guns.
Posted by: Laemkral on April 14, 2003 05:18 PMYou kids just couldn't leave it alone, eh? Had to start pouring out your liberal, over-educated, middle-class bile on us peace-loving large calibre handgun owners once you'd gotten over your obsession with Australian fauna?
Well let me tell you this. The last time my handgun killed a member of my family, I had 'em cloned...
...then shot 'em again.
CloneShooter? It's not a game, it's a way of life.
Posted by: Norman R Andrews on April 14, 2003 05:44 PMThis game is discontinued (thankfully).
Posted by: Adam on April 14, 2003 06:01 PMWhen guns are outlawed, only outlaws will shoot their kids accidentally.
Posted by: charlton heston on April 14, 2003 07:49 PMBetter over-educated than under-educated.
Posted by: fuddes on April 14, 2003 09:04 PMMan guys, lay off this kid. I know him, he is a new programmer, you have to start somewhere. It doenst help him get better by having 2 of his progs on this site within a week.
Stop comparing a decent effort to commercial products and grow up a little, how would you like it if your first song you wrote was published on suckymusic.com and viewed by 100000 visitors ?
Posted by: Jake on April 14, 2003 09:14 PMHey, I did the Graphics for this game and I have a few things to say:
1. I dont care that it is on here, because clearly you went through a lot to point out what was bad about it.
2. There are male hostages, tied up, too.
3. The tiles are only 1 map.
4. DOWNLOAD IT AND SEE
5. I am the most liberal kid at my school (http://www.monarchygame.com/rs/roguestate.html), preaching the same stuff that you have said against this game. Is it better to have a game where violence doesn't cause death? To show kids that violence doesn't kill people?
6. And are we supposed to have a perfecly releastic game, where new enemies dont come into gameplay....i am sure *that* would be fun
Posted by: Brian Flanagan on April 14, 2003 09:16 PMbtw, i didn't program it
Posted by: Brian Flanagan on April 14, 2003 09:17 PMActually I hope my game gets put on this site, because I know its good (Ive had about 30 registeraions), so its just free publicty :)
Posted by: Jake on April 14, 2003 09:24 PMThe Emporer: "I *told* you to remain on the command ship!"
Here's a mess o' apostrophes for all you freakin' asswipes with broken keyboards and no Applecare:
' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '
(...or shyte-for-brains-education, I'm extending to you the benefit of any doubt. Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?)
Useless liberal political comments make the enjoyability of said site much less. For being political in a away to annoy half your visitors I gibe you a 7 on the annoying meter.
Posted by: Bah! on April 15, 2003 12:23 AMOh my! Someone's corns have been trodden on, and are throbbin' like fury! Bring me some hard likker and a piece of possum pie! (Used up a couple of your apostrophes there, DW!)
If I was going to have chunk of flesh torn from my flanks in a review, I'd rather it be a funny, perverse, inane and insane review ... all the good things about PerversionTracker. Would it be better if some serious dude came over all serious and said serious things in a more serious tone of voice, and in a much more serious venue (like the back of a toilet door)?
I haven't looked at this app, and frankly I'm not going to. Simply not interested, but that's nothing to do with the review. I reckon if the kid can take something -- anything -- out of this review and learn from it ... well who's better off then? That's right, kiddies! And if he gave up developing on the strength of this pulsating pile of maggot-infested sheep-spleens, it wouldn't say much for his sticking power, would it.
And it seems to me he's had his chance to respond, and taken it. And by God, that's the sort of democratic feather-waving that made the good ol' US of A great! Or very good, depending on one's perspective on such things ... But that's not important right now!
Let's lighten up a tiny wee bit. Maybe if everyone sat back from their keyboards, took a deep breath, and screamed at the top of their lungs while rolling their eyes wildly and waving their arms in the air, they'd all feel a little less like their was a broom-handle stuck up their tight little quoits!
And now I have to go and write my motivational speech for the Australian Society for the Preservation of Bakelite ... Poor loons, they don't stand a chance!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 15, 2003 01:02 AMI so very relieved there are hostages of the male persuasion - and I think the premise of this game is good - how are we to know how many clones there are? (Vomit)
Posted by: Rixster on April 15, 2003 02:52 AM"Useless liberal political comments make the enjoyability of said site much less."
Yeah, let's go over to LowEndMac where the political comments are more to our liking.
Posted by: Durf on April 15, 2003 03:00 AMTo tho'se kid's who cant handle con'structional crtici'sm or cheap jab's at their ware's:
You make crap, you release crap, you get reviewed by PvT, even if it's the first piece of crap you made.
It's that simple. And funny.
Now get a life and build something worthwhile, and preferably not using METAL (also known as R***b**** Redux).
Posted by: Thuros M. on April 15, 2003 03:44 AMAin't if funny that some folks find this Mac site too PC! Geddit? Huh? Do you get it? PC! On a Mac site ... Ha ha ha! ... Ha! ...
[SFX: Cough echoes in empty room.]
I give up ...
Posted by: aussie boy on April 15, 2003 03:48 AMPossum Craving?
Posted by: Thuros M. on April 15, 2003 03:53 AMMaybe somebody should actually TRY the game for more than 2 seconds! If anybody's "Apparently Useless" enough to hang out here at least they could be honest in their reviews.
Posted by: macboy on April 15, 2003 07:00 AMmacboy, macboy, macboy. I've spelt this out so many times I'm starting to get RSI in the fingers that spell out "can't you take a bloody joke, because that's what this site is all about, you bloody wee pillocks"!
Perhaps the Flanagan cartel would prefer to languish in the vacuum of obscurity, toiling over lackluster programs, and finally giving up their youthful dreams to work as entry-level technicians at Dell.
It's a sad fact that most people are not born with the ability to write perfect software, but everyone is born with the ability to learn from mistakes. Don't get mad -- get better!
You commie bastards! You oughta fry in Texas for your seditious liberal jokes!
This is America! You aren't allowed to make fun of anyone, or criticize guns in any way, or act like women are human beings too, or say that killing people is bad, or have any opinion that is different from mine!
And you can have my Kalashnikov when you pry it from Charlton Heston's colo-rectal passage! Um... I mean... wait...
Hoo hoo hoo! Factual information is now "liberal"! I knew they'd admit it eventually.
I AM IN MY CONSERVATIVE COCOON! I CANNOT PROCESS ANYTHING BUT FOX NEWS!!!
Ouch! You guys need to learn to recognise humor that doesn't include rectal passages and Aussie marsupials. It's bad news when you start taking the piss out of comments that are taking the piss out of comments that... etc., etc., ad infinitum.
Posted by: Norman R Andrews on April 15, 2003 09:19 AMI was having a private conversation with "Bah!", Mr. Andrews. Think you're the most important thing on the planet, don't you?
Mavis Beacon is hot, yo
Posted by: Davis Freakon on April 15, 2003 10:52 AMwombat
Posted by: a clone on April 15, 2003 11:21 AMDavis Freakon ++
Posted by: The Valrus on April 15, 2003 12:03 PMalright alright, the"Flanagan Cartel" comment one me over, i forgive ya guys, wait for our next game and review it with pleasure...dont worry, it will rock:)
Posted by: brian flanagan on April 15, 2003 07:27 PMNorman R Andrews, you are sooooooo wrong! The best thing about this site is taking the piss out of comments that are taking the piss out of comments ...
But I agree with you about the marsupials. These people never learn. Savage buffoons! But fear not, my kangaroovily aware friend. The day of the monotreme will come! Fwahahahahahahaha! Fwahahahahahahahah! Fwaha ... aaaaaaaaargh! Furball!
Posted by: aussie boy on April 15, 2003 07:32 PMAussie boy, I hereby declare you and your comments, under the authority of Lord W, to be pissless.
Howdaya like *them* apples, biatch?
Posted by: scooby on April 16, 2003 05:58 PM While this game does in fact suck like a suddenly developing leak in your spacesuit, I believe a vital point-scoring opportunity was missed. This company's mission statement in and of itself should warrant at least a +2 in the scoring.
"We do not develop huge commercial products that deliver incredible graphics..."
Obviously so and god forbid! Pursuing that avenue could possibly result in profitability and company growth. Which would then lead to offerings on the NYSE, and the inflated and inevitable rise of the company's perceived value that seems to follow all such events. This could only be followed by the bottom falling out after the Fightin' Flanagans abscond with all company funds to an isolated beach in the South Pacific, thereby contributing to the general decline of this country's economy.
So I say, kudos to you Industrial Magnoia! Our bank accounts are safe with you in the driver's seat! With a tear in our eye and a song in our hearts, we will wave a sad, "fare thee well" to you on your road to that big dumpster full of mismanaged companies and poorly-executed business plans in the sky.
Power brothers, and peace be with you.
If I hate it so much, how come I'm still playing the damn thing?
Posted by: Rez on April 16, 2003 07:46 PMlol, yeah, see:D
anyway, two teenagers are of course not going to deliver big commercial games with incredible graphics, you can't hold that against us, we released what we thought was a decent game, if you dont like it, then don't buy it, but its not like it is a horrible crime to develop shareware games. (or maybe it is, has anyone actually *read* the alien and sed--i mean patriot act)
Maybe next time a "thank you" would be more appropriate because i did spend many hours supplying you with entertainment.
Posted by: brian flanagan on April 17, 2003 03:30 PMscooby, you flaccid tapeworm, it's a duel at dawn, m'lad! I haven't fought in three world wars -- and died horribly in at least two of them -- just so that you can take the mickey out of me, young fella!
Gird you loins and guard your lions, you scurvy dog (from a very scurvy cartoon)! I'm a crack shot with a cantaloupe, and it's going to be a ripe one!
NOTE: Australian readers, please substitute "rockmelon" for "cantaloupe". And don't even think about the zucchini -- yes, forget the courgette ...
Posted by: aussie boy on April 17, 2003 06:39 PM