War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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Merely for the sake of theoretical argument, let’s assume that you are a no-neck hebetudinous asshole. Your dead-end job is so bereft of mental stimulation that you are frequently tempted to stab yourself in the eye with a freshly sharpened pencil just so you can feel alive for a change. You have tried therapy, religion, tae-bo, penis enlargement devices, feng shui, and nineteen varieties of bran cereal. Nothing helps.
Late one afternoon you are surfing the web, terminally bored, hoping against hope to find a tender target for your acerbic reservoir of brain-vomit, and finally — finally! — you get lucky. A frail German craft, the ButtonPresser, drifts into the crosshairs of your periscope. Your hackles rise. A primal snarl forces its way through your heroically clenched teeth. You hear the big loud men shouting in your head.
You fire a warning shot across the puny bow of the ButtonPresser. “Take that,” you mutter sardonically, “as partial punishment for your cracked misinterpretation of what is amusing to me.” You receive a frantic staticky radio burst — Das Leben ist wie ein Kinderhemd: kurz und beschissen! — from the doomed vessel. You turn to your first mate (a man you crudely refer to as Fancy Nancy even though his name is actually Sweaty Betty) and venture a darkly poignant remark about the ultimate futility of war and REALbasic applications.
Then, as the comically dwarfish ButtonPresser bobs helplessly on the mountainous swells of the frigid and unforgiving North Atlantic, you launch a brutal attack: “Press the mouse button as often as possible in ten seconds? Oh, yeah, that sounds like a really exciting ‘game’ — for a lobotomized CHICKEN to play!”
It’s a direct hit to the goolies! ButtonPresser bucks and lurches like a drunken giraffe in a windstorm. Emboldened now, and remarkably red in the face, you move in for the kill: “ButtonPresser seems useless for the same reason that the Grand Canyon seems deep!” And the mortally wounded ButtonPresser sinks in Hollywood-style ignominy — quickly, yes, but not TOO quickly — beneath the icy waves.
Ooh, ooooh, you unfeeling bastard! No wonder all your coworkers hate you.
Because the ButtonPresser makes life on this fourth-rate backwater planet a tiny bit more absurd, and therefore a tiny bit more bearable, it has put us in a charitable mood. REALtobi, you have scored a delightfully misshapen 5.7. We trust you will cherish it forever, et cetera, et cetera.
Posted by naomi at May 7, 2003 12:05 AM | TrackBackYe gods! It brings to mind my days of service on the lusty frigate Spatchcock, in the service of the King! Dark was the Nazi cloud that hung over Europe. Baggy was the crutch of my navy-issue trousers. (And just as well!)
It was like all wars: Intense periods of dangerous and terrifying chaos, interspersed with longer periods of amusing games with the brave lads in the darker, deeper holds of His Majesty's Ship Spatchcock. God, but we'd chortle as some poor, brave young artificer's assistant would have to eat the spattered biscuit because he had been the last one to ...
FILE CENSORED: CATEGORY "NEVER TO BE RELEASED". By order Rear Admiral Godfrey Shortshanks, OBE, VC, DSO, CD-ROM and Bar.
Remember when Naomi posted about how some comments just aren't funny? Yeah, she was talking to Sublieutenant Reginald Bluntjob
Posted by: fuddes on May 7, 2003 12:34 AMNow, now. Gookie Cookie is well within the bounds of accepted "humour."
But the elephant walk is right out. Keep that in mind, you filthy little pus scrabblers.
Posted by: Ladd on May 7, 2003 12:46 AMPeople, people, people! I'm sensing a bit of anger in the room tonight - a bit of tension. Let's all take a deep breath and try a little loving, all right? Hmmmmm! That's better! Isn't love so much better than hate? Right on!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 7, 2003 06:08 AMI'm happy again!
That was really good.
Oops, I mean, I'm Lappy Again.
Posted by: Lappy Again on May 7, 2003 08:32 AMWow, Naomi...two smart and sassy reviews in a row. Thanks! They were perfect to read while waking up and shooting my morning heroin.
Posted by: cdb on May 7, 2003 09:29 AMEverything's gonna be all right!
Posted by: Bob Marley on May 7, 2003 12:18 PMI marvel at how Naomi has so perfectly captured the distracted disillusionment of her generation in her review. This powerful display of proactive existentialism is reminiscient of the young Camus. The cleverly embedded synopsis of her philosophy "Life is like a child's shirt:short and crappy." (an obvious homage to Hegel) bridges the work's middle section to its end with an inevitability almost circular in its symbolism.
Belvedere, old chap, break out some of your master's finest wine so that we might toast this fine young woman! And none of that Australian swill, either! Quickly, man, before her overdose takes effect!
Go Sim Stapler!
Posted by: on May 7, 2003 05:31 PMPlease, no, I don't like being toasted -- unless butter and jam is involved?
Posted by: naomi on May 7, 2003 06:08 PM...in the nuts.
Posted by: regrettable on May 7, 2003 06:27 PMLeibnitz, you send my manservant home this instant! Dear God, Man! What do you think you're playing at? Who's going to pick the maggots off my collection of antique wildebeest droppings? Now where did Belvedere leave that corkscrew ... Sob!
Posted by: aussie boy on May 7, 2003 08:01 PM> Merely for the sake of theoretical argument, let's assume that you are a no-neck hebetudinous asshole
Arsehole, not asshole, you un Australian barstard! A-R-S-E. There is an R in it. Don't be afraid of it!
Posted by: The Great One on May 7, 2003 08:59 PMButter, ummm...
Jam, ummm...
You'd think that with a name line "ButtonPresser" that the program would press the button for you.
Posted by: Fidget on May 7, 2003 11:19 PMWell seems like we have a point here!
Posted by: dot on May 8, 2003 04:12 AMWow, it's SimStapler 2.0!
Posted by: Guuyuk on May 8, 2003 09:24 AMWhimps!
I pressed the button 156 times.
What really amazes me is that the download is 1 Megabyte?
My God, what could this application have inside that needs 1 Megabyte of space on my computer...
I am always completely amazed at the reviews on this site. Keep up the good work. I had no idea that people with such useless ideas existed until I started reading Perversion Tracker. Does it make me a happier human being? Definitely not. But it does give me more of a sense of realism in my perspective on the world...
Posted by: Steve on May 8, 2003 12:48 PM