PvT Exclusive: John Moltz Actually Rowan Atkinson, or Possibly Giant Gopher

After an extensive covert investigation of the Crazy Apple Rumors headquarters — yes, including the sheep harem and the secret cavern where they store the shroom pudding — PerversionTracker can safely reveal that CARS Editor-In-Chief John Moltz is, in actual fact, Rowan Atkinson. As you know, given your disgusting fecundity of misfiring neural bundles, Atkinson trained as an electrical engineer at Oxford, but went on to temporarily become nearly famous for his comic roles as Edmund Blackadder and Mr. Bean.

As evidence for this outrageous claim, we present the following photos:

Rowan Atkinson

“John Moltz”

The resemblance, we are certain you’ll agree, is complete and then some. Lesser publications than ours might have put forth the half-assed view that Moltz merely bears an uncanny resemblance to Atkinson. However, we here at PerversionTracker feel that the only possible answer to this enigma is that they are one-and-the-same.

We admit that we initially considered the possibility that Moltz might be a Giant Gopher, based on the following description: “Pocket gophers are voracious and feed on any type of vegetation found underground. They destroy food trees by gnawing away the roots, and they also ravage tuber and bulb gardens. They will severely damage vegetable gardens by eating soft leafy vegetables and ground-growing fruits such as young squash and unprotected Cabbage Patch Kids™. The damage they do has become so serious, in fact, that steps have been taken to destroy these animals wherever they are found.”

While Moltz meets the description of a pocket gopher perfectly, and certainly inspires a certain maniacal urge for Whack-A-Mole-style pest control, we have no evidence that gophers are able to type or double-click, both skills which seem to be essential in constructing the Moltzian web of shoddy regurgitations known as CARS.

The tangled web of deception grows deeper; Consider this: The name “John Moltz” can be rearranged to spell “No MHz Jolt.” Insignificant? Perhaps, but so are you.

Moltz’s secret life.

When confronted with this irrefutable evidence, Jowan Moltkinson attempted to refute the claims, saying “Lies — I only occasionally ravage tuber and bulb gardens!” He then broke down and admitted his deception, vowing to combine his two careers in the future. He is now planning to film a humorous sketch in which his head becomes wedged inside an iMac case, as well as recording a radio program in which he describes how to add a codpiece to the 20th Anniversary Mac.

Although the deal had not yet been completed at press time, the BBC has also reportedly expressed an interest in Moltkinson’s concept for a “Mac Bladder” television series, where he plays a hapless computer user, in various historical periods, starting with the Apple II+, and going all the way up the present-day 17” PowerBook G4. PerversionTracker has gained access to a draft script for the first episode, where the Moltkinson’s character has a humorous encounter with Open Firmware. Although the writing is Moltz’s typical flabby uninspiring “prose,” we expect that it will improve with the addition of his genetic endowment for physical humor.

We give the combined Jowan Moltkinson a 5.5, averaging a 0 for Rowan and an 11 for John.