May 25, 2003

iCount 0.1.1

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Palpably bursting at its poorly-stitched seams in its eagerness to be reviewed by PerversionTracker, iCount claims that it “can be used if you are counting coins and stuff to keep track of how many you have counted.” Yes, you doghearted daughters and beetle-headed sons, it’s shocking but true. This freak of nature delimits its fishy merit in the following ways:

  1. It permits the user to mouse-click two buttons in order to display positive or negative numerals in sequential order and obscenely large type.
  2. It assumes (wicked, wicked iCount!) that counting “downward” is the opposite of counting “further.”
  3. It has a reset button.
  4. But no close-window button.
  5. And no read-me to explain why, why, why, MY GOD, WHY?
  6. It does have a quit option, THANK YOU, O MERCIFUL BUDDHA!
  7. But it lingers horribly in your memory, like that time you accidentally ate tripe.

Just off the top of our collective head, we can suggest a number of alternative solutions for those afflicted with the pitiable handicap of being able to use a computer but not being able to count — no, neither downward nor further! — without outside help. To whit, and forsooth:

  1. Uno, dos, y tres,
    Cuatro, cinco, seis.
    Siete, ocho, nueve,
    Cuento hasta diez!
  2. Two little monkeys jumping on the bed,
    One fell off and bumped his head.
    Mama called the doctor and the doctor said:
    “No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”
  3. One, two, three,
    Out goes he
    Into the middle
    Of the deep blue sea!
  4. Higgledy piggledy, my fine hen,
    She lays eggs for gentlemen.
    Gentlemen come every day,
    To count what my fine hen doth lay:
    One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight,
    Show the gentlemen to the gate!
  5. Five fat peas in a pea-pod pressed
    One grew, two grew, so did all the rest.
    They grew and grew, and did not stop,
    Until one day the pod went POP!
  6. 1,2, tie my shoe
    3,4, shut the door
    5,6, pick up sticks
    7,8, lay them straight
    9, 10, a big fat hen.
    Let’s get up and count again!
  7. Monkey, monkey, bottle of beer,
    How many monkeys are there here?
    One, two, three, four, five, six, seven . . .

ZioWare, we have experienced a nauseating amount of mental unrest in attempting to believe that you actually exist in any world that might be visible to mortal humans or bacteria, but in case you do — well, even the much-coveted 11.0 is a blatantly insufficient reward for your deeply nefarious venture into the exotic — but to you unfathomable — field of software development.

Download iCount

Posted by naomi at May 25, 2003 10:19 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Wow first comment :)
Finally a review worthy of the crappiness of the program. You guys go waaayy to easy on some of these obnoxious and, dare I say it, perturbed and disconcerted abominations. Programs that have a cranial capacity and/or mental stimulant ratio rating somewhere between a cockroaches genitalia and vomit should be wiped from the earth in one fell swoop. And, for conduct most becoming of a “bad software” rating site, PerversionTracker… I give you an 11

Posted by: Jason on May 26, 2003 11:16 AM

Three little chipmunks twirlin' on a branch,
eating lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch.

Posted by: fuddes on May 26, 2003 12:53 PM

iCanCount 1.0 is coming soon...

Posted by: a REALly BASIC developer on May 26, 2003 03:53 PM

Perhaps you don't realise the delicious irony of your rating of 11, for that number is the very reason the developer was forced to produce this maggot-riddled carcase. After all, even with his pants down the developer could only count to 11 before this ...

Posted by: aussie boy on May 26, 2003 06:53 PM

Frankly, it would bother me more than a little if the developer could count to ten normally, and past eleven with his pants down.

Posted by: The Valrus on May 26, 2003 09:49 PM

If he were a lizard he could count to twelve ... Maybe he's a Green Iguana?

Posted by: aussie boy on May 27, 2003 12:10 AM

Can we submit software to be reviewed? I certainly don't have PvT's talent for witty reviews...

Anyways, thought I'd throw one more Christian to the lions:

http://jaguar.daemonprojects.com/downloads.php

satisfaction guaranteed or money back!

Posted by: dda on May 27, 2003 02:00 AM

Aww, comon' dda, no picking on free or open source software. (Rewrite it better yourself :P) :D

Posted by: Double Worsted on May 27, 2003 03:13 AM

Another skipping limerick for you, I can't recall exactly how it goes:

Microsoft, Microsoft,
Buggy Windows XP,
How many crashes can you see?
1, 2, 3, 4...

Posted by: Double Worsted on May 27, 2003 03:17 AM

asp2php is nice (considering it enables you to get away from asp and join a decent community, PHP!). Jaguar asp2php is, er, one of those RealBasic wrappers, with all the "features", that belongs here. See for yerself.

Posted by: dda on May 27, 2003 05:18 AM

You know the thought that Ladd Van Tol made Version Tracker Pro is really disturbing to me. I would have thought him a MacUpdate.com guy since they don't list the crap that VT does.

Posted by: Anastasios Booby Chalcedonian on May 27, 2003 06:45 AM

The review of iCount is totally unjustified and completely lacking in merit. I find this program essential to my daily routine. Without iCount, I would go insane. I think an apology is in order for the iCount author and the iCount user community. This irresponsible review of iCount may merit legal action.

Without iCount, how else is one going to drool on one's shirt while trying to count sheep for the express purpose of falling asleep?

Posted by: someone who likes to bugger sheep. on May 27, 2003 09:01 AM

Jeez! I thought computers were going to free us from daily drudgery but here is a prime example of that not happening. With iCount I still have to click the mouse button every time I want to numerate what ever it is I'm counting. That's not automation! Please give us one-Click(TM) counting. Automate! Automate!

Posted by: DocB on May 27, 2003 03:33 PM

someone who likes to bugger sheep, have I got a deal for you! Try Lambs a Leapin' 1.0.3 and you're guaranteed for fall asleep counting sheep! It's better than anaesthetic!

As for the drooling ... You're on your own there, buddy!

(How's that, Ladd and Jan? Good bit of intra-site cross-promotion, or what!)

Posted by: aussie boy on May 27, 2003 07:26 PM

Does it count how many green bottles of beer are standing on the wall?

Posted by: Alexis on May 28, 2003 05:26 AM

Yeah, but if one green bottle should accidentally fall, there's a kernel panic!

Posted by: aussie boy on May 28, 2003 05:52 AM

I don't get the wrongness of tripe.

Chinese and Vietnamese people prepare tripe and other edible cow parts in a surprising variety of delicious dishes.

Of course, we Chinese also eat a great deal of other disgusting things. Like rice. They look like little maggots.

Ewww.

Posted by: CanBoy on May 28, 2003 06:25 PM

I was served tripe once, at one of those dinner situations where refusal would have initiated a limb-lopping ceremony of Cecil. B de Mille proportions. I just had to eat it. It was in 4-inch by 4-inch squares. I put each piece in my mouth and simply swallowed. No chewing. No tasting.

When I had finished, I vowed never to speak of it again. But this place is such good therapy ...

Now, if you would all kindly never speak of it again!

Posted by: aussie boy on May 28, 2003 09:11 PM

aussie boy -

I wonder if you might regale us with your tripe-eating story once again?

Posted by: Ladd on May 29, 2003 02:50 PM

Yes, please tell the tripe story again -- but with sound effects this time?

Posted by: naomi on May 29, 2003 04:58 PM

Huuuuuurgh! Fwooooooogh! Gaaaaaaaargh!

For God's sake, put your clothes back on, Monica!

Now what was that about tripe?

Posted by: aussie boy on May 29, 2003 06:32 PM

OMG it's 42!!!!! The answer to life, the universe and everything!!!

Posted by: Bryan on June 13, 2003 01:39 PM

Now i am really satisfied! I never thought this app would go this far! enjoy it!! =)

Posted by: Zio on June 15, 2003 08:49 AM
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