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This chunky little morsel of REALbasic software is intended to “prevent repetitive stress injuries” by forcing you to insert regular coffee breaks into your normal daily routine of staring unblinkingly at the harsh glow of your computer screen while retyping the complete poetic works of Emily Dickinson for no apparent reason and singing endless ditties under your breath that at first seem to echo the chord structure of Schubert’s “Opus 100” but are actually based on Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Gimme Back My Bullets” and, let’s be totally honest here, is that really a healthy lifestyle?
After faithfully obeying the black-screened dictates of this fascist app for most of the morning, my nerves were jangling like the string of cowbells around Granny’s neck when she attempts yet another daring rooftop escape from the nursing home. (Run, Granny, run! Grab your squirrel rifle and head for the hills!) Once I panicked in the middle of a five-minute break and tried to force-quit the application to regain control of my computer, but it repelled such puny efforts like a greased skunk repels water. Around lunchtime, after visiting the porcelain pisspot more times than I care to admit to myself, I suddenly realized that, in this particular case, perhaps the term “coffee break” was not meant to be taken quite so literally.
As I contemplated the vast untilled acres of sleepless nights stretching out before me (Q: How long does it take for twelve pots of coffee to flush through the shapely body of a healthy adult female? A: Shapely bodies? Where?!), the app’s militant edicts kept ringing out across the dark battlefields of my brain. At first I obeyed orders without question, thinking only of the success of the mission, not considering how difficult it can be to get bloodstains out of a wool jacket. We were all so young and foolish and determined to fight the good fight against repetitive stress injuries. We didn’t know, then, that there are fates worse than carpal tunnel syndrome.
These days, I like to sit on the porch and nip a little bourbon and reminisce, but the nightmares of that black screen still haunt me. “Stretch and curl your fingers. Rest your eyes frequently. Stretch your neck. Squeeze a soft ball. Watch your posture!” Sure, the boys and I used to have some fun with that “soft ball” part, but that’s not a memory you can share with the grandkids, is it?
BitJuggler Software, for $20 (102.12 Botswana pula) you could at least give the poor peasants a lickable icon. You’re about as useless as a fruit-flavored tampon in a monastery. Why not try a freshly toasted 9.5 with your coffee?
Posted by naomi at June 24, 2003 12:56 PM | TrackBackMaybe we should have Coffee Break-Break Pro Plus?? The developers might want to take out liability insurance in case someone ends up with a stretched out neck like that! Creepy!
Posted by: Mickey Knox on June 24, 2003 01:46 PMNow if only the surface of CBP's black widow window was "brushed," we can complete the transition from metal to DEATH METAL!
Posted by: µø˜˚´¥ on June 24, 2003 01:52 PMIt is an arduous task to envisage an app whose sole goal is to tell you to cease working. Some insipid-minded excrement monger has trounced himself into a corner with this one. I suppose that without these veneer pustules of furuncle puss encumbering the vaginal discharge of an information superhighway, we wouldn’t be consecrated with PvT.
Posted by: Previously Insane on June 24, 2003 04:02 PMI think it is a decent application...
Posted by: on June 24, 2003 04:11 PMwith a name like that, , you would.
Posted by: gee-dub on June 24, 2003 04:16 PMwith a name like that, , you would.
Posted by: gee-dub on June 24, 2003 04:17 PMthe second time is for emphasis.
Posted by: gee-dub on June 24, 2003 04:21 PMAs I recall, fruit-flavored tampons are one of the 'secret' ingredients in Chartreuse liqueur, indicating that at least the Carthusian order has a use for said commodity. They probably get them from some of the extra-fruity convents in the area.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N on June 24, 2003 05:40 PMWhat? I'm the first to note the obvious connection between "soft balls" and "bit juggling"?
People, people, you're slipping. Ha ha ha! I said slipping...
Posted by: nearly headless neck on June 24, 2003 05:41 PMBut with a name like gee-dub, who needs verbal emphasis? Just pick up that big red telephone and blow us all to kingdom come!
(Heh... I said "blow." Heh... I said "come." Heh... I said "big red telephone.")
Posted by: dr. strangelove on June 24, 2003 05:48 PMWhy the hell would I ever need an app to tell me to stop working?? I never start working . . .
Posted by: fuddes on June 24, 2003 07:06 PMGood point, fuddes. Do you work at the La Crosse Tribune? It would explain why it stinks!
Posted by: Jan on June 24, 2003 09:02 PMI don't like coffee. Do you think it'll know? Will the GMC tell it I like tea? And does it tell you to start working again after the 5 minute break? I fear that if I run it, I'll never get back to work again. Then I'll lose my house, my car, my X-Rated collection of stuffed armadillos. Oh the humanity!
Posted by: U. D. Mann on June 24, 2003 10:50 PMBe careful, the GMC is trying to take over all forms of rest break including stopping for coffee.
Posted by: Hodag on June 24, 2003 10:57 PMWhat we really need is a program to tell you lazy ass bastards to stop reading PvT and to START working!
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on June 25, 2003 09:43 AMJeez, I thought you Mac guys were supposed to be INNOVATIVE! I hate to tell you, but Microsoft's had this "feature" built into XP since it came out. Every 40 bootups, I have to re-register my system with Microsoft, or it locks up my entire system and refuses to let me at my own files until I comply.
Sorry, Mac fans, but this great little app is "Too Little, Too Late". Bill Gates really does have you beat here. You can't "force-quit" Microsoft when they own your machine.
Posted by: Matt on June 25, 2003 11:57 AMLeo from "That '70s Show" (a.k.a. Tommy Chong) says:
"Why don't **YOU** go squeeze a ball!"
To Matt:
Explain.
Tease all you want, guys -- over the nearly 10 years Coffee Break has been published for, my customers and positive coverage in mainstream Mac media say it's a worthwhile app. If it's not for everyone, yeah, that's a fair assessment. To say it's not for anyone is simply one of the "dictates of this fascist" web site.
Posted by: Thomas Reed on August 2, 2003 02:25 PM