First post!

Oh how I long to hear the "Last Post" played, bugle-style, over the fetid carcass of the dolefully moronic self-abusers who revel in their "first post" fetishism.

My kingdom for a meaningful analysis of post-modern European coin-tossing, as opposed to blatant examples of a much more insidious (if perhaps enjoyable) form of tossing!

You **refuse** to acknowledge the **severity** of my condition.

But I want you to **know** that the **failure** has been **mine**, not yours.

**Disengage** your shuttlecock, **now**.

Man. Has anyone noticed how vehemently aussie boy defends Mr. Tidwel. It’s like they’re in cahoots. Or maybe…

Dear Mr. Previously Insane,

Are you feeling left out? Ahhhhh...this is so sad. I tell you what, I will vehemently defend you Mr. Insane! Here goes...

Nobody, and I really mean NOBODY, dare touch Mr. Insane. If you touch him, I'll rip off your head off and spit in your neck, Got it!? Mr. Insane is my love puppet and I will not share him with anyone. Mr. Insane and me are going off to romantic dinner followed by nice walk on the beach. Afterwards, we are going to throw nuclear bombs at each other from twenty paces. It should make for a big bang at the end of a lovely evening and no, you can't watch. I don't think Mr. Insane is really into the voyeurism thing.

There Mr. Insane, I have defended your honor. You may now bend over and grab you ankles, for here comes aussie boy! And don't worry Mr. Insane, aussie boy won't "personally" touch you either, he is just going to use a an electrified caber.

Countless thanks and a million to do’s Mr. Tidwell. I see you are in your usual form. No I am not feeling left out. Although I thank you for your imprudent endeavor at solace I am impeccably proficient at defending myself against cretin arsenals. But I will keep this day in mind at some point when I see you with your back turned to me and, remembering the time you stuck up for me, I will ram a 7 inch O.D. piece of tubing into your spinal column and laugh as you eventually and succulently slowly cease twitching. NO hard feelings. Litterally. You repulse me and certainly don’t turn me on with your turd talk. Although a little harmless whip play might do a world of good.

Only a 6.5? How is this software useful at all? If you'd at least given it a 5.5 I'd understand, since your complete inability to decide whether to give this pile of crap a 0 or 11 using the program would have rendered a down-the-middle 5.5. Sigh.

To quote the Rolling Stones...
"You can't always git whatchyou wa-ant"
"No you can't always git whatcha wa-ant"
"You can't always git whatchyou wa-ant"
"But if you try sometimes..."
"You jist might find"
"You get a sour 6.5"

last post!

Not quite. We meet again Mr. Ovulating chimp! And this time... Advantage Varnsen- I mean... Previous! Your gyrations are useless.

Dear Mr. Previously Insane,

You wrote, "Mr. Ovulating chimp!"

First off Mr. Insane, if the chimp is "ovulating", it is safe to assume the chimp is a female!

Second, isn't Star Wars great? I just love those lightsabres! Swish swish! I want to be a Jedi when I grow up. It was so sad when Anakin went crazy in Attack of the Clones.

...OK, kitty cat, I'll pull you out of the dryer vent in a minute...

Sorry Mr. Insane, but I am a big pusher for animal rights. I believe every cat has the right to a safe, clean and loving home. Just now a stray wandered into my dryer vent (the warmth is necessary here in northern Russia!!!) and I have to go pull it out and give it's coat a good brushing.

This website needs to be sanitized.

How about we just autoclave Norm?

Would that be a mint "uncirculated" 6.5, or just a plain-ol' mint 6.5? "Uncirculated" value can be double "mint", in which case Servaas would be the proud owner of a 13.0

Oh, and don't forget, the rhinoplasty/penis augumentation clinic is to the PORT, the penisplasty/rhino augumention clinic is to the STARBOARD.

What exactly is phlegming distance? I think we need an intern PhD candidate to make the measurements.

Notice, I skipped right past making any "poopdeck" comments! You all owe me $50 each. I might N.O.T. be so merciful next time if I don't get my money!

That's all right N.O.T. Although I am intrigued as to how you modified the content of your earlier post?

In any event, those who are tired of reading about turds can view the sanitized version at http://www.perversion-tracker.com.

Your Friend,
Dr. Science

Dear Dr. Science,

It was not me, it was those god [Note, we the editors would like you to think of fluffy dogs, butterflies, lollypops, warm spring days, green pastures, rainbows, happy children playing, Belvedere, peace on earth, and other general nice thoughts while Norm rants on and on.] like PvT staff members!

Dear P. Insane

I am not Norm O. Tidwell. Norm O. Tidwell is not me. The proof? The proof is in the eating of the pudding, and there's been far too much pulling of the pudding and not enough eating of it around here lately! O ye of the blistered palms! Let go of your love tossell and sniff the roses!

Norm and I have reached a position of mutual respect after weeks -- nay, months! -- of tussling over issues that began with the great "not" debate of '03. Respect is not like. Respect is not love. And respect is certainly not "they must be the same person".

If you prick Norm, does he not bleed? I offer him the unstrained quality of my mercy when I think it is warranted. Otherwise, I offer him a large, sharp chunk of carved granite to wedge in his nether orifice.

My only hope, Previously (do you mind if I call you Previously? perhaps "Prior" for short?), is that someone comes along and whales into you with an nail-spiked tomato on a stick. Then you will see what I can do for those whom I respect. Then you will bask in the warmth of my protective gaze. Then you will feel that great comfort I radiate upon those who come unto me ...

Nurse, why did you just prod me with that needle? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! I love it when the pixies are dancing on my pillow ...

FWIW Previously Insane,

It is strange, but I was about say the exact same thing in with those exact words. Makes you wonder about this great "Norm is aussie boy" debate. Think about the evidence. Neither Norm nor aussie boy ever post a message at the exact same time! It makes you wonder...hmmmmmmm.

Nobody posts message at the exact same time. But you guys get darned close. And your atrocious phraseology is so similar you couldn’t make a pocket-thong out of the difference. Not that you’d want to.

Well... You might but no sane person would... Wait a second. Where do I fit in with this scheme of things?...

Dear Mr, Previously Insane,

Hello!? Is there anybody home? Are the lights on in there? Is the elevator stuck in the basement? Are you several cards short of a full deck? Do you count your IQ on one hand and have fingers to spare? Just like your “Mr. Ovulating chimp!” comment, you once again just don't get it. Would you like Norm to slow down and explain it to you nice and slow?

If two people post a message at the exact same time, then they can't BE the same person since it is practically impossible to post two messages with the same time stamp on this forum, DUUUUHHH! This leaves the door of doubt open as to if Norm and aussie boy are the same person. I was giving you fuel for the fire, get it!

But now we have new evidence to consider, Norm is known for his superior form of stupidity. In fact, it is so far below your intelligence level, you couldn't possibly understand it. Butt today, you have proven this statement wrong by your dazzling display rusty crank driven logic. Because you have done the impossible and displayed a form of stupidity even lower than Norm's, then there is only one possible conclusion. Mr. Insane you are Norm! All this time you have pulled the wool over our eyes and played this double role and perpetuated this dastardly theory of Norm and aussie boy being one in the same. Your stupidity buggers the mind. Of course, that leaves one final question, who am I?

OH GOD IT BURNS!

Never fitting in
Is my life doomed to be sad
No. For I kick ass

I am so cocky
Maybe I should simmer down
Where is the fun then

Right, that sort of thing never happens. Although I suspect Norm was being sarcastic --

Exactly. As Norm stated, it is practically impossible for one person to get the same time stamp on two posts.

Man Norm is stupid
This proves evolution’s false
Nature let him live?

Just one more thought Mr. Previously Insane,

Everybody at one at some point in there life was Previously Insane. It explains a lot of what goes on in this world.

Hardly a thought. I would have referred to that as a warning of more verbal discharge. But then again

Dear Mr. "The Other Me" and "Me",

I salute you. Your brilliant display of shooting my theories down has set things straight in this world. You have once again proven that I am a total idiot and therefore Mr. Insane is not Norm and therefore he is a complete idiot of his own making.

Brilliant! The question remains is will other people see your logic? You really stuck it to Norm this time...hey, wait a minute...maybe you guys are Norm!?

Dear "",

Thanks for your glowing review. Yes, I'm afraid it's true. I *AM* Norm, Aussie Boy, Ladd, Naomi, Jan, Piglet Bob, Previously Insane, Moltz, George W. Bush, Me, and scads of others.

The fears expressed previously in this forum have been shown to be true: there are only two people who visit this forum. That would be yours truly, and you, the reader. Sorry if that shatters your reality, but well, there it is. Then again, an attentive reader will have been expecting this for quite some time.

Dear Norm (oh how I am growing tired of beginning sentences thusly),
You said "'an' attentive reader" don't you mean 'the' attentive reader? If you mean what you say then answer this question
If you are me and I am you then how do we coexist in this self-same message board? The paradigm of that assertion would not only sunder the very foundation of all things known of both fundamentalist and existentialistic universes but it would defy all rationale in concurrence, versa vi, with the imperial demarcation of a world where two places are indeed two separate places (people fall under that classification as well). So, if you take into account what has been centuries of materialistic data, you must conclude that there is a minimum of three people on this board… Yourself, “the reader”, as you so vociferously called him/her, and myself. I hope this little psychophysics lesson didn’t dent your purely imaginary world. This wasn’t for your benefit as much as for the reader(s).

Dear Mr. Previously Insane,

If you get tired of saying "Dear Norm," may I suggest "Dear asshole" or "Hey you bastard." Norm don't mind. Use what you see fit for the situation. I give you my blessing. I will also give you my spleen if you want that also.

To your comments at hand...

There you go again, talking to yourself. What are you, some kind of schizoid freak?

Look, Previously Insane, N.O.T.'s comments were addressed to an enigmatic "". You responded as if they had been addressed to you directly. Therefore, it would seem you are acknowledging, at least indirectly, that you and "" may be the same person. So you, too, have multiple personas on this board? Could YOU, perhaps, be Norm, and therefore everyone else as well, save the reader? Oops, look there! Flying out the window, the last few precious scraps of your credibility!

Besides, I am intrigued by your discussion of "imperial demarcation of (the) world..." Hate to break it to ya there buddy, but the empires finished divvying up the world, for the most part, by the end of the 19th century, and there's no more for the taking. I assume this is some oblique reference to the GMC?

I am going to assume that you are in such a stupor that you are assuming imperial demarcation is referring to ‘Rome dividing up the world.’ Now that would be Roman annexing or possibly Latin-Persian divvying. Imperial demarcation refers to a theory that was developed in the United Kingdom back around the 16th century that asserts that the world, both identified and theoretical, is separated by various substantial laws that are determinable and are shaped by the energy, size, and speed of expansion that exists within the cosmos. What with actual Roman Imperialism being just recently demolished in Britain they associated this belief with the recently passed Caesars of old. My fault for not explaining.

Dear Mr. Previously Insane,

Thank you for explaining it. It is all so clear to me now. You are all a bunch of little shits serving me, Norm the great turd. It makes so much sense. As a reward for explaining it to me, you can be my poopy side kick and I shall call you Mini-"Me".

Better to serve in a kindom of turds than to be the only turd in the kingdom.

To whom it may concern, I am the one pulling the strings around here. Not even aussie boy suspects me because he is just my ventriloquism dummy which I use as my mouth piece. My plan is unfolding as exactly as I have foreseen. Not even grandma can stop me.

Bellllvedeeeeere! Where are you? Come here this instant! I didn't get naked to NOT play backgammon. Or maybe...

Of the pursuit of the person of abuse: Needless software with respect to appearance (namely, the PerversionTracker),

In regards to the accommodation of coin landing on the edges, you did not consider the rhinoplasty of the penis of the elephant. Namely himself the elephant is offended! ^_^

p.s. please for your convenience to offer the analysis of the software namely "Final Excuse Pro" with many appreciation!

http://www.thedailygrind.net/software/FinalExcusePro.html

Furthermore of aforementioned software is to "conspiracy of the monkey" is the point.

To those who purport to be Grandma and Belvedere: I know who you are and I know where you live. You will be hearing from my copyright lawyers.

OK, I lied. I don't have a clue who you are, and I suspect I'd have to turn over quite a few rocks to find out where you live. However, your turn of phrase would serve to convince even an undergraduate student of linguistics (or the milkman who shags Doris at No. 42) that your efforts to emulate me are futile. Might I suggest you use your own imagination, not mine.

Many thanks.

PS: How do you spell "cloth-eared pillock"?