StripX 0.6.1 beta

When we’re not flailing ourselves with willow switches and listening to Dr. Octagon’s classic track Moosebumps, we like nothing better than a bracing round of computer-mediated strip poker with our fabulously attractive girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife/domestic partner/significant other/gigolo/jar of vaseline.

To that end, we were delighted when Virtual Living turned to us as a last promotional resort, given their failure to gain exposure through traditional (and more prudish) channels. In the words of Tassilo Rau, the sex-obsessed author of StripX: “I’m willing to take the risk of you verbally ripping it into pieces, just to get it some publicity at last.”

Although we initially assumed that this Kraut-developed romance aid would primarily focus on efficient German sex, our Mauritania-centric view of these wacky Oktoberfestites could not have been more wrong. To find out just how wrong, we put our test subjects Piglet Bob and Rixster into a special velvet-lined strip poker chamber. We then equipped the chamber with a single Mac running StripX in kiosk mode, and observed from a safe distance, secured by one-way mirrors from the coming rush of bodily fluids and from future legal challenges by a binding contract signed by both subjects.

Since nothing says “erotic” like a winning poker hand, we had high hopes for raw, uncut piglet-on-rixster action. In preparation for this feat, both players had to fill out a form indicating their preferences. Piglet, a savvy strip poker player, had prepared himself for the bout with a considerable array of garments. This strategy was aimed at giving him plenty of clothing to remove, and apparently also aided in shielding him from direct contact with the malodorous Rixster. Piglet Bob’s sexual preferences also proved to be near-all-encompassing — being a devout Catholic, masturbation was the one exception.

In sharp contrast, Rixster showed his usual level of ineptitude, wearing only a blouse. To the detriment of the game, Rixster’s only clear preference was not to be touched. It took extensive review of his contractual obligations before Rixster was persuaded to permit a small quantity of tickling (llama fellation was unavailable as an option). Interestingly Rixster indicated that he also preferred to be thought of as a bisexual female, a choice that our strip poker analysts called “a serious strategic error.”

Drawing a royal flush on his first hand, Piglet Bob’s luck proved somewhat trying for Rixster and his pair of threes — just as Piglet began applying the pliers to his puny opponent’s nipples, Rixster convulsed violently and fainted. Unrevivable even when vast quantities of smelling salts were directly wedged within his sinus cavities, we eventually dumped Rixster’s semi-conscious form into a Spokane-area Taco Bell dumpster.

Virtual Living, although our initial test was not as succesful as we had hoped, we still feel StripX to have potential for the virginal portion of our readership otherwise unable to get their kinks working. Since the editors feel most sexually at-ease when nude wrestling on a slab of asiago, StripX does not seem applicable to us. Indeed, we encourage all involved parties to view “Virtual Living” only as an intermediate step to “Actual Living.” In the meanwhile, please savor this 8.7, and remember Piglet’s strict admonishment to subject yourself to daily spankings.

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