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Billed by a popular software update site as an “alternate way to access URLs & search sites,” we were eager to discover what revolution in Internet browsing awaited us. Perhaps surfing would be controlled by a secret system of eyebrow twitches. Or possibly an immersive environment would be provided, within which a jovial animated dik-dik would lead us up through the filthy gates of this “information superhighway” we’ve heard so much about.
At a mere 631k all these carnal delights could be ours for the taking. But could boldness be the safest strategy? Do we dare to click the link? After 17 hours of deliberation, and a furious argument with our pet rock “Smitty,” we proceeded to move the link into our Download-O-Matic. As the download progressed on its slovenly path, one packet wearily trodding after the other, we deftly equipped our ravening craw with yet another slice of apple pie.
Download in hand, we hastily tore open the StuffIt packaging, eager to discover this new modus interneti that awaited us. Double-clicking the resulting application, we eagerly scanned our desktop for the grand and imposing entrance to the internet that we had anticipated for so long. When it did not immediately spring into view, we began a rigorous program of window rearranging. Our methodical search quickly degenerated into bilious panic when we recognized the cold hard fact that the window did not exist. Our remaining hope, a wayward fleck of lint that obscured some small portion of the screen revealed no mysteries when its adherence to the glass was broken. The truth is cold sometimes.
As a final resort, we looked to the modest “QuickURL X” menu, hoping beyond all hope for some command that would effectuate an improvement to this application’s despicably unlickable countenance. As the accompanying screenshot testifies, it was not to be. We wept.
st|studios — you are big dumb-dumbs. Your application offers the average user the opportunity to access search engines in about the same amount of time as it takes to assemble an operational ink-jet printer out of moldy zucchinis. We hope you will be content with your perfect 11, and resist the temptation to price your application at $300, or increase the download size to 12 gigabytes.
Posted by ladd at September 3, 2003 11:58 PM | TrackBackBut are you sure you installed it correctly?
Posted by: An annoying question on September 4, 2003 05:13 AMToast Peckond!
Posted by: Fringe on September 4, 2003 10:16 AMTurd Post. er, I mean third. You know i got kicked out of kindergarten for doing that.
Posted by: Nick on September 4, 2003 10:21 AMI hate to harp on this GMC thing, but here's what I think we should do about them: Hire out assassins with giant pink undualting tits and hedgehog familiars. As they walk through the corridors of the GMC HQ, they will use their sorcery to cease the tintinnabulation of the alarms. Executing all simians on site. Equip small RC cars with tactile soup warheads to drench the GMC's computer database. Tomato ought to do the trick. And then we can finally decapitate the GMC beast.
Posted by: on September 4, 2003 10:54 AMNow THATS the kind of "go get them" attitude that the Inquisition like to see! However, could you use a bit less sorcery, a few less undulaing tits, and please send all hedgehog familiars to the nearest zoo for wildlife preservation? As a token of my appreciation for your odd way of thinking, I've decided to use my powers of influence to help you. Here's a free cup of coffee.
Back to QUX, I find it hard to believe that they made a program that just simply launches, and does nothing. I bet I could do that. This is a mockery of all programmers out there, and something must be done! Ladies, gentlemen, warrior rocks, grab thine metal rulers. We have hands to smack.
You want to smack your rock with your hand? I thought we were over that already.
Posted by: Previously Insane on September 4, 2003 12:31 PMAs the moldy zucchini psuedo programmer of this little app, I'd like to know why it didn't work. Was it installed on Jaguar? And what exactly happened when you started it?
Thanks - Steve
Posted by: Steve on September 4, 2003 01:03 PMSteve? Is that you? Steve Jobs? I didn't know you cared about these little programs. I am sooo touched that you bothered to grace us with your presnece. What?.. what did you say?.. Ohhh. boy is my face red. Your not Steve Jobs. Your horrible programer Steve. Oh. You don't matter. your presence isn't gracefull. I'm soo sorry to get your hopes up like that.
Posted by: Previously Insane on September 4, 2003 01:33 PMpaying Steve $2.00 is a part of installation process?
Posted by: on September 4, 2003 02:57 PMSteve,
I think the problem may have arisen when you wrote it in REALbasic.
Posted by: Ladd on September 4, 2003 05:00 PMI tried all four versions and all of them did the exact same thing, which is to say, nothing at all. I would have given him a 10.98 because the icon is at least sorta cool. Not on the early version, though. I am running 10.2.6, does this affect the functionality of the "program"? If so, you might want to work on that Steve.
-Laem-
Less sorcery? How am I supposed to anything with less sorcery? Bread certainly won't toast itself!
I actually got the earlier versions to work. Having said that, this program is a stupid idea. Porting Windows features to the Mac is like sticking lipstick on your asshole. I think the review should be amended to include the stupidity of one of the working versions.
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on September 4, 2003 08:36 PMNorm, I have found that the application of lipstick upon one's ass has only one use. Making it really funny when you say "Kiss my ass", then proceed to drop your pants and underwear. This knowledge has come at a terrible price however, for one of my scribes now goes about performing this act to random people, and I had to execute him after a few days.
Nick, less sorcery can be done. Instead of toasting your bread, only warm it. Instead of magically elevating your rock, chuck it at a heretic's head. Instead of making fireballs to burn programmers who use R***B****, acquire yourself a boltgun and help dispense the Emperor's justice by shooting mutants, GMC operatives (they make a funny explosion when shot), and the aforementioned programmers. If there are any more questions, please attend Inquisitor Svenson's weekly seminar on "Sorcery and You: How to Quit". It is located in Room 433, down the hall.
This is good news, Laem. You see we've had some trouble lately with new recruits, uh, misusing their powers. Obviously they have been dealt with, but these 'boltguns' you speak of intrigue The Elders. We'll be ordering 1,000 of them, immediately. Perhaps they can be used as a behavior modifier. Perhaps they will simply kill the new recruits, either way, problem solved. I will be attending this class on Sorcery Use, if I find the instructor to be sub-par then I will destroy him with my magics. Be forewarned.
Posted by: Nick on September 5, 2003 01:52 PMNo matter, Svenson recently was made an Inquisitor, so this is sort of like the Teaching Assistant job before you get made into a teacher. His residency, so to speak. If you DO decide to blow him up, he was issued a very nicely made power sword. Kindly save that for me. Mines getting rather old.
Posted by: Laemkral on September 5, 2003 04:09 PM"Porting Windows features to the Mac is like sticking lipstick on your asshole." Oh...that's DEFINITELY a keeper...
Posted by: Andrew on September 12, 2003 10:16 PM