War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
L337.com
I wake to a burning red dawn. The tiny barred window of my Peruvian jail cell offers an excellent view of the coming Apocalypse. In the distance a fancy rooster crows lustily, unaware that today will be its last. The whirlwind is in the thorn tree. The Horsemen are on the roof, the Reaper is in the hayloft, and the Beast scrabbles at the door with giant sticky paws.
REALbasic 5.5 is loosed, and everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned.
At the inflationary price of $99.95, I’d rather buy a full-body waxing treatment for the gang of Texas outlaws who went and done this awful deed. They think they can get away with it, just because the sheriff is their daddy, but them lowdown polecats forgot to reckon with my lightning fingers. Hang ‘em high, boys — but not before you baste their ample buttocks with this rawhide 10.9.
Note: That score would be a perfect 11 if not for the single useful function of REALbasic, which is, of course, promoting the worldwide growth of PvT-worthy software. We eagerly await the results of next month’s “Cubies” and cherish a wild hope that the “Best Developer Tool” category will include length and circumference measurements.
Download REALbasic 5.5 — at your peril, fools!
Posted by naomi at February 26, 2004 07:59 AM | TrackBackThe horror, The horror (gasp)
-note that Marlon Brando's fat corpse is currently lying in the middle of the room. A cow gets slaughtered in slow motion. Charlie Sheen is calling in an air strike. Conrad found nowhere to comment. Cambodia rejoices.
I love the smell of REALbasic in the morning.
It smells like...
... a dead Peruvian chicken.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on February 26, 2004 08:56 AMFor every award, there should be an equal and opposite award.
I propose 'The Pervies' - awards given for the best use of R***B**** to perpetuate the horrificness of R***B**** apps.
The lifetime achievement award, The Rixster, will be given to the developer who posted the most on PvT in a feeble attempt to defend his/her existence.
Oop, Sorry, I thought this was the "Gomments" section.
Posted by: Soy-based Winky Substitute on February 26, 2004 11:27 AMWhat time does the pie fight start?
Posted by: Bozo Nono on February 26, 2004 11:38 AM9ish. I like this idea of naming the lifetime acheivement award The Rixster. It's smooth, like buttah. Oh, and I demand the return of the real Winky, you can take that soy crap and shove off, it's just not the same.
I wonder if I should try and make a program with real basic? I have never really been smart enough to do it, but I bet I could make some crap. Seems like everyone's doing it.
Posted by: Nick on February 26, 2004 01:22 PMI'm so sorry, I didn't mean to type R***B**** out, it was an oversight which will not happen agian.
Posted by: Nick on February 26, 2004 01:23 PMGet over yourselves, don't blame the arrow. Blame the arrow shooter (almost said Indian or Native American, oops...) anyway it's not the application development software it's the developer. In fact you should bow down and kiss the feet of the Real Basic developers as they provide you with the much needed fodder that is Perversion Tracker. Although I hasten to point out if you owned a PC you should also hate Visual Basic because it too allows for many a poorly thought out application to be cobbled together. In fact there are so many companies running production related applications that were developed by Franklin the guy in accounting who someone believed actually had seen a copy of VB on his cousins shelf and therefore was deemed appropriate to ask to develop the sales payroll application there has got to be a analogous website to perversion tracker for the PC world. If not there should be. But again I say, Don't hate the Real Basic, Hate the Real Basicer. I got my serial number for 5.5 already. Hahahahaha None of my apps are worthy of review thank-you very much, for I foist them not upon the unsuspecting public, yet.
Posted by: Minezamac on February 26, 2004 02:16 PMI have a big weiner.
Posted by: longdongsilver on February 26, 2004 02:29 PMI have no weiner. The National Guard tooked it when Ah volunteert. They said Ah could have it back when Ah reporterd fer duty in Alabama, so Ah never got mahn back. Ah'll tell you whut, makin' babies without no weiner is tough.
Posted by: George W. Bush on February 26, 2004 03:03 PMOh, David Valley. Please tell me you're joking. Charlie Sheen? MARTIN SHEEN! There IS a difference, be it only one generation.
Posted by: MacEnvy on February 26, 2004 06:50 PMall of you infidels will bow down and worship my huge penis.
Posted by: amabigsalami on February 26, 2004 07:07 PMHOW CAN ANYONE BOW BEFORE YOU WHEN I HAVE THE LARGEST PENIS. PUNY BOY. OH AND YOUR MOUSTACHE IS FAKE.
Posted by: biggernbetter on February 26, 2004 07:09 PMTO HECK WITH YOU AND YOUR PENISES.
TAKE A LOOK AT MY TITS !
I have a genetically mutated sex organ, I'm not sure what it is. Anybody want to puke on it?
Posted by: Norm O. Tidwell on February 26, 2004 08:15 PMAlright! Now who wants some penis enlargement pills!
Posted by: Huck on February 26, 2004 10:46 PMI'm sorry. I didn't mean to say penis. I meant to say pen1s.
Posted by: Huck on February 26, 2004 10:49 PMOh yeah, cocks aside, i genuinely didn't mean to mess up the Sheens, i just woke up at the time .
Posted by: David Valley on February 27, 2004 12:50 AMMy penis is bigger than all of yours combined. Only mine can satisfy the mighty Naomi's nearly unquenchable appetite. Bend over while I baste your ample buttocks with my whip-crackin' tool!
Posted by: Mr. Big Stuff on February 27, 2004 04:56 AMThis reminds me, is RealCrap 2.0 still available anywhere?
Posted by: dzd on February 27, 2004 08:56 AMAaaaaaaaghh get me out of here!!!!!!
Posted by: Winky on February 27, 2004 10:38 AMNow available, only from Microsoft, the all-new, super deluxe Penis XP! Guaranteed to stay up longer, with far fewer crashes, than any penis you've ever used before! People have talked for years about "getting the shaft" from Microsoft - now you can talk about it, too! With our built in security features, you can switch from "with spermatazoa" to "spermatazoa-free" settings with only a simple 22-step process. STD-resistant for the most gratifying condom-free "user experience" possible. Available in two distinctive sizes/flavors: "baby carrot" and, just for the ladies' enjoyment, "cocktail sausage". These are vastly superior to those "beer can" sized vibrating penises made by Apple. Be the first on your block to have the micro, soft, Penis XP today!
Posted by: Sir William Gates on February 27, 2004 10:57 AMomg who wantz 2 jion teh pen 15 club lolololol!~!~!!!!!!~```11
Posted by: sux0r on February 27, 2004 11:49 AMWhat happened to all the quality posts. When did a bunch of 12 year old boys take over PvT? This is just wrong. Remember the good old days when Aussie, Fuddes, N.O.T., Leibnitz, Thuros, Me, others and (occasionaly) Moltz would have interesting and pertinent conversations about crappy software and made-up animals and sexual frustration? Wow, it was seems like only a week ago. IT WAS A WEEK AGO!! C'mon you penis-on-the-brain bastards, I command you to be interesting!
Posted by: Nick on February 27, 2004 12:46 PMNick - I command you to stuff a rabid hamster up your ass.
Posted by: 12-year-old penis lover on February 27, 2004 01:03 PM...or a badger
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on February 27, 2004 01:43 PMAnd you thought I was bad. I pity you guys now, really.
Posted by: Laemkral on February 27, 2004 03:15 PMAll my hamsters are in prime physical condition. Sorry.
nice to see you again Laem. We should break out our bolters and show these penis lovers what pain is all about.
Posted by: Nick on February 27, 2004 05:12 PMGerbils, dammit. You're supposed to use gerbils. Doesn't anyone around here have any appreciation for tradition?
And what about the chickens of Friday?
Posted by: shawk on February 27, 2004 06:46 PMAre they gone yet?
I'm still baffled by PvT's low google placement for 'penis'. Lord knows, it seems to be on every commenter's lips.
I mean, finger-tips.
I mean, the word 'penis' is often typed by commenters, I'm not suggesting that the commenters have penises between their lips. Right?
Umm, let me think about this some more, I'll get back to you...
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on February 27, 2004 06:54 PMRemember... when you guys use to be funny?
Posted by: Servaas Doornberg on February 27, 2004 06:54 PMI don't remember 'funny' so much. I remember 'amusing', though.
Is 'funny' important where you come from?
I do seem to recall though that there was a brief interlude of peace that broke out amongst European nations immediately after the Thirty Years War. Maybe it was because half the population of Germany was dead, and it seemed a bit mean to kill more than half. Hard to say, I wasn't there. Memory is a fickle thing.
Damn, I forgot to say 'penis'.
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on February 27, 2004 07:46 PMCan we start the pie fight now? Please, please, can we, can we, please???
Posted by: Bozo Nono on February 27, 2004 08:37 PMAussie would have interesting and pertinent conversations about crappy software? Non sequiturs in a knock-off "Mac the Knife" style as far back as I can remember.
Posted by: Rob on February 28, 2004 02:59 PMMais, ou sont les chickens d'antan?
Do you realize that some truly evil bahstid has already KRACKED R*** B**** 5.5?!? Now new Cuboid software can even be "created" by mutant zombies who can't afford to buy it.
I heard that RB 5.5 was written using RB 5.0.1
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on February 29, 2004 10:23 AMI know one of the people who wrote R*** B****. He does not own chickens or gerbils.
Posted by: shawk on February 29, 2004 12:46 PMI think some guys here are... absolutely crazy.
Posted by: Someone from spain department on March 26, 2004 07:27 PMHas anyone seen my gerbil?
Posted by: irque on April 18, 2004 07:52 AMI like this site.
Posted by: china shareware on September 29, 2004 09:52 AM