War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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This game will let you feel yourself a real master of hearts. But be attentive and do not let them beat you. The board is filled with the hearts of different colors. Choose a heart of a certain color so that there was at least one heart of the same color near it. Click on this heart and it will burst and also blow up all the hearts of the same color around. The remaining hearts shift upwards or to the center to fill the gap if it is possible. The more hearts explore [sic], the more points you get. Your goal is to clear the board with no heart left. Absolutist.com Team loves you and hopes this feeling is mutual.
In the spirit of international love and friendship, let’s overlook for a moment the non-standard diction of this anonymous Cypriot lothario and focus instead on the — no, no, it’s too horrible, we can’t do it!
Any company that would misspell the name of their own product on its splash screen has forfeited any right to a fair trial, and is undeniably begging to be pelted with pre-digested fruit.
This recklessly loquacious developer claims that Matching Hearts is a “tetris-style game for all romantics in the world.” Oddly enough, this game is like Tetris in precisely the same way that haggis is like food. And nothing says romantic more than a badly drawn technicolor display of bursting hearts.
The developer’s email-harvesting “free registration” policy is a flaming roadblock to any chance we had of fully experiencing this game’s throbbing heart-on-heart action, but we’re pretty sure the demo hits all the high notes given the way the neighbor’s dogs howled like premenstrual banshees until we muted the background “music.”
Absolutist.com, don’t take your love to town. Someday we’ll learn to forget the unbearable intestinal spasms of this doomed relationship and remember only the good times — right now, for example, as we proffer a pear-shaped 10.6 and lovingly apply a light coating of honey and fire ants to your inner thighs.
Posted by naomi at October 25, 2004 05:53 PM | TrackBackwoah, and here comes a no-longer-defunct and never-defunked first post!
Posted by: vans on October 25, 2004 04:30 PM"Absolutist.com Team loves you and hopes this feeling is mutual."
Uh, I think I have to puke.
Posted by: That guy with the funny website on October 25, 2004 11:29 PMIf the horror of spelling "hearts" with a "d" wasn't bad enough, it also says "presetns" on the title screen.
(Most) everyone here being Americans of the digital age (read: illiterate numbnuts,) it went over unnoticed, so I thought I'd point it out.
No need to thank me.
Posted by: Thuros M. on October 26, 2004 04:37 AMDid you ever think that maybe the title is right, but the graphics are wrong? Maybe the graphics should be ears, then you could find the matching "heard"?
Posted by: U. D. Mann on October 26, 2004 08:21 AMTime to restart the evil, wasteful and very annoying... 7th post!
Posted by: Baal on October 26, 2004 09:24 AMOr, to continue on UDM's ramblings, the field is filled with herds of hearts and he misspelled "herd"? I mean, there are a lot of 'em and the more you "herd off the screen" at once, the better!
HeartHerd Pro™ coming soon to a screen near you!
Posted by: Thuros M. on October 27, 2004 05:08 AMbadgel
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on October 27, 2004 08:29 AMwadger
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on October 27, 2004 08:29 AMbagdre
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on October 27, 2004 08:30 AMAs my Grandma used to say: "You can't make peach jam out of pig shit."
Exactly what relevance that might have to the software in question escapes me for now, but I'm sure some of our more laterally thinking comrades will work it out.
Now I'm off to peel my radish. Au revoir!
Posted by: aussie boy on October 27, 2004 05:42 PMPeel your radish? What's that, aussie-speak for whacking off?
And what do peach jam and pig shit have to do with that, huh?
Perv.
Posted by: Thuros M. on October 28, 2004 12:53 AMNow, now, I think we need to accept others and their frightening proclivities with open arms (maybe with gloves that go up to our shoulders). We wouldn't want them doing something "rash" or "freaking out" and "immersing their penis in peach jam (active ingredient: pig shit)". Yes we must be vigilant and we must be accepting -- even if they are a bit more Australian than we would prefer.
Posted by: Huck on October 28, 2004 02:57 AMhmm... i have a big weiner?
Posted by: notlongdongsilver on October 28, 2004 04:56 AMI think you folks missed something ...
They didn't misspell "presents", they are trying to say "preset-ns", where ns simply means "noxious shit". That's where the "peach jam out of pig shit" works it's way in. Pig shit is pretty noxious (at least to me, to each his/her own:) and this application is trying to tell you to "preset" your machine to "noxious shit".
So what is noxious pig shit in a computer? Windows! (Peach jam could be any other OS, like for example ... I don't know ... say Mac OS X?!) They want you to install Windows. Why? Because when you register they will harvest your email address and plant a zombie spam virus on your machine so you can give them some "free advertising". Problem is this trick only works when your machine is set to "noxious shit" mode, in other words when you have Windows installed.
Makes perfect sense to me.
On the other hand, they did misspell "hearts" as "heards", so maybe they are just morons afterall.
Wait a second, could this be a sign of the impending GMC?
Paranoid thought: anyone else notice how GWB looks like a monkey? Could our current president be the true leader of the GMC? Or did I just forget to take my meds again this morning ...
WHO KEEPS SCREWING WITH MY PARANOIA MEDICATION????
Posted by: Walking Contradiction on October 28, 2004 10:19 AMHmm?
Posted by: Thuros M. on October 28, 2004 11:15 AM*repeatedly pounds fork and knife onto table*
More meat! More meat! More meat! (ad nauseum)
Posted by: Huck on October 30, 2004 12:46 PMHow dare you insult such a brilliant piece of software? The "misspelling" of "hearts" is completely false. That IS how you spell hearts on Earth-J! As for the spelling of "presetns," Walking Contradiction is close (but not quite there). The word was spelled that way AS A JOKE.
Absolutist.com is my girlfriend (she said she loves me already, isn't that sweet?) so PLEASE watch what you say around her. I don't want to be forced to kick all your asses.
Posted by: fetus on October 30, 2004 02:51 PMSTIMPY: Oh wow! Liquid meat!
REN: Liquid meat?
STIMPY: Yes, liquid meat.
REN: Steeempy! You eeeediot! Do you want to get beeeaver feeever?
Posted by: Ren McStimpy on October 31, 2004 10:05 PM...so much for my country. It has now officially gone to shit. Fuck.
Posted by: www.badgerbadgerbadger.com on November 3, 2004 02:59 PMFor the sake of all of us (not just Americans), I sincerely wish GWB well on his new term. I do not want to see the country run into a ditch just so I can say, "Nyah, nyah, told you so!" The Republic has weathered far worse storms in the past. Regardless of what happens in the next four years, we will survive.
I suspect, however, that historians in future generations will be scratching their heads and writing doctoral theses on what posessed Americans to actually elect this guy not once, but twice.
Posted by: Uncertain Future on November 3, 2004 05:23 PMThey only elected him once Uncertain (and no that does not mean he can run again in 2008!)
Posted by: Certain on November 4, 2004 03:40 PMOh, yeah, that all sounds so well-reasoned to you, Mr. Future, you and your 'GWB is my new best friend' talk... But, I know something you don't know, mister:
SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!
Posted by: Leibnitz, N. on November 4, 2004 08:36 PMThe best bitches on the web
Posted by: weak sister bitch on November 12, 2004 12:56 PMI found a great new feature in this program, press Q + Apple and you get a wonderful experience!
/Never Downloaded it 'Heart' it was stupid.
Posted by: Zivko on November 14, 2004 04:43 AMmust ask: does gwb use a mac or pc?
Posted by: the neutralist on November 14, 2004 01:06 PMOur doubts are traitors, And make us lose the good we oft might win By fearing to attempt. William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616), "Measure for Measure", Act 1
Posted by: Acuvue bifocal contact lenses on November 23, 2004 10:38 PM