War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
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The premier theological plagiarism solution for OS X, Faith Converter converts text between ten different religions, encompassing Atheism, Buddhism, Christianity, Communism, Confucianism, Hinduism, Islam, Juche, Judaism, Linux, Maoism, Scientology, Shinto, Taoism and Trotskyism.
From the self-same highbrow guttersnipe who brought you iPong and Final Excuse Pro, whether you wanted them or not, comes a fresh offering on a blood-stained platter. The premise of FaithCon is intriguingly sacrilegious, but the execution is not quite up to snuff.
We first attempted to translate a potent man-boobie reference from the Book of Job, but the results did not please us. We next tried a modern paean of praise to steatopygous females, but our seed found no purchase in that particular soil. Apparently, all of the words and phrases translatable by FaithCon must be direct references to known gods and their faith-specific fetishes. Such a limited viewpoint surprised us greatly, but not as much as those damned trick-or-treaters did last night. It's a good thing we had the pellet gun handy.
So while this developer's website offers a nice range in amusing examples of FaithCon translations, the app actually gave us very little trouble in the chortle-suppression department. And since everyone else in the house was sound asleep at the time, this was probably a good thing. Our chortles are things of ineffable beauty, yes, that's very true, but it's also true that great artists are seldom appreciated in their own time.
Daily Grind Software, we have to admire your pigheaded devotion to the promotion of gleeful absurdity in a world that, alas, so often crushes the few brave souls who dare to peek behind the curtain. Keep the faith, and a mongoose-scented 10.6 to bring out the sparkle in your beady little eyes.
Baz, the baby dingo, has been stolen by the evil humans to become an exhibit in the Zoo Of Cartoon Animals. It is up to Daz, our hero, to make his way from the Australian Outback to Sydney, where he can release little Baz.
Like a show pony at the roller derby, this application can't quite seem to get its act together. Its bloated size is likely the result of chugging too much beer. This flaw is partly redeemed by the fact that it's free (or two warm stubbies and a quick snog in Australia).
We must admit that our screen shot fails to do justice to the scenic panorama that is DTD. The action shot came out poorly and the hour was growing late and upon quitting the game we found that everything on our desktop had been messily rearranged and then we were scared to start the game again and we cried and cried and cried. And the big kids laughed, so we kicked them in the nads and ran like the wind.
How to explain away this objectionable cartoon animation? It could be charitably described as "childlike," but the way we will describe it is "vomitorious." It's exactly like being pelted with infinitesimally tiny bits of goat cheese -- you know that something, somewhere, has gone horribly wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it.
DTD boasts a dingo-studded cast that includes Daz the Dingo, Baz the Dingo, and (surprise!) Shaz the Dingo. It's entirely possible that DTD is the zaniest thing to come out of Australia since Mel Gibson. No, we take that back. Nothing can compare to Mel -- he's madder than a cut snake in heat, and twice as confused. The only thing Mel has in common with DTD is this phrase: "lethal ball of fur." And that could be the start of a beautiful journey.
Matt Gray, you have created the bleeding last word in dingo-infested software. At least, we hope so. You may use this prickly 9.7 to repel the rolling echidnas that seem to pose such a hazard in your vicinity -- perhaps because everything in Australia is downhill? Oh, and do try to stay out of the midday sun.
Not too long ago, we reviewed sMailing 4.6, "the ultimate emailing utility," aka "spam factory deluxe." Our specific complaints (rendered in sonnet form) were that sMailing had an ugly toolbar, made it hard to personalize emails, and is rather expensive. As appMac has recently noted in a comment on our sMailing review, "sMailing 5 is a complete rewrite of sMailing. So this web page is not true."
A cunning and witty defense of sMailing, but can this new product cut the moutarde, or will it collapse like so much blue-veined and structurally inadequate fromage?
As we can see from the accompanying screenshot, the putrid orange-globed toolbar buttons still assault our retinas, although the toolbar has been moved into the main window. We rate this a minor improvement, but are still boggled by the non-customizable toolbar and ham-handed graphics.
The personalization of emails is actually somewhat easier in this release, with an ugly-but-functional "Tags" palette. Unfortunately, palettes are locked in position relative to their parent window, but only move when the drag is completed. They also float above the about dialog, and other important windows. Attention to detail is not appMac's strong point. Nor, evidently is intelligence.
Indeed the collective cranial capacity of sMailing's development team is best compared with that of a fancy chicken, or perhaps a smallish stoat. At $49 for the standard edition, and $99 for "pro" (653.32 Moldova Lei and 343.18 Peruvian Soles respectively), the price is still far beyond the limited financial means available to the average small rodent.
And remember,
We don't make sMailing for spam usage. Use it for customers that want to receive news, for your students or other targets that need information from your company. If a person don't want to receive your messages, remove it from your database. With your help, spam can be different like Apple is different for computers.
A confusing translation, but we feel their statement distills to "spam different". As such, we feel we should "review different" and upgrade their previous 9.6 rating to a 9.8
Welcome to our Blue Law-defying entertainment of mild inebriation, wherein your host, the Right Honorable Ladd Van Tol regales you with drink recipes, fashion tips, and other sundry advice intended to make you less of a huge dork. You may at this juncture be flagellating your pasty limbs and protesting my cursory assessment of your personality, yet in the deepest crannies of your reptilian brain, certain synapses cannot help but recognize that it is the truth. You are, after all, reading a website dedicated to humorous dissection of the crustiest of Macintosh software.
If you are burdened with distracting religious beliefs or misplaced Puritanism, you may wish not to partake of such imbibing. To this I say only: pish tosh! Alcohol is a lovely muscle relaxant, and as long as your underlying personality is not too hideously offensive, it may serve as a social lubricant, greasing the rusty cogs of new friendships. Addiction-prone personalities or physiologies need not apply; don't ride your Segway drunk, etc, etc.
Today's cocktail, the Rusty Nail, is a real hair-raiser. It also does not taste particularly good. But the flavor is essentially irrelevant in this case, as you would only order or mix the Rusty Nail to demonstrate your manliness (if appropriate) and/or rugged individualism. This is just the thing for the blokes in our audience who may have previously gotten away with sipping such frou-frou concoctions as a Cosmopolitan, or a Lemon Drop. What a bunch of wusses.
Rusty Nail Recipe (serves one)
Pour liquors into an ice-filled old-fashioned glass. Stir, garnish with lemon twist, and serve.
Note that if ordering a cocktail in a fancier locale, it is generally considered preferable to specify the type of liquor included in your drink, lest you suffer the effects of the abominable (but cheap!) "rail" liquor, so named for the day-after sensation of having one's head repeatedly bludgeoned by the aforementioned rail. Fortunately, there is only a single variety of Drambuie, so one must only select a scotch in this case. By the way: please do stop drinking if you experience the spins or an obnibulated field of vision. These are warning signs that you're about to die.
Now, about your wardrobe. It probably consists of software t-shirts and mustard-stained wife-beaters. Or worse still, polo shirts. If this is not the case, you may skip to the end of the article. If you are ready to submit your body to more dynamic stylings, I recommend you start with a T-shirt from Diesel Sweeties or Unamerican. You can't go wrong there. Just remember to wash. Yes, I mean daily. Those shirts need to be laundered as well. That's it...
So that just about does it for this week's Cocktail Hour. Be sure to post if you have any questions about this whole self help bit. We will be sure to publicly mock.. err, encourage you in your endeavors.
Yours in infamy,
Ladd
