War is not healthy for fancy chickens and other living things.
Sponsored by
L337.com
An intercepted conversation between two of our fancy chickens:
Some of the chicken's top review picks from 2003:
World War II Online brings air, ground, and sea combat to a real-time, persistent, and historically set massively multiplayer game. Now you can command and crew a variety of accurately modeled vehicles, aircraft, and ships or you can explore the world and fight as a foot soldier in first person - combat with and against thousands of others players!
This app first attracted our attention like the telltale tickle of an upwardly mobile tapeworm. An action-packed 3D game that conveys the thrills and chills of the second World War with vast imaginary armies of paid subscribers who join either the Allied or the Axis forces for a fun-filled adventure on the "blood-soaked shores" of Europe -- but, you know, without those icky death camps -- wow, it just all seems unbelievably crass, even horrific, but is it?
Yes. Oh yes, it is.
Like a runaway thresher in the fancy chicken coop, WWII Online is headed for a nasty end. While this app's delusions of grandeur will undoubtedly exert a visceral appeal upon the drooling legions of brainwashed cannon-fodder wannabes who think war is like, cool, dude, its impenetrable format does nothing to ameliorate its inherent godawful shittiness.
A small sample of the user-hating will suffice: The exact dollar amount of the mandated monthly subscription fee is not provided to casual browsers such as ourselves, perhaps because it's all terribly top-secret spy stuff, but we suspect the price is beyond the reach of the average Polish peasant. And the equally unspoken joystick requirement is likely to discourage all but the most devoted brown-shirted jack-booted goose-stepper.
Cornered Rat Software, your name says it all. We'd sure like to see how your smelly little foxhole stands up to a blitzkrieg attack. But in the meantime, please sink your persistent nose into this fragrant bouquet of Stielhandgranates wrapped in a massively multiplayer 11.0.
While attending WWDC, we presciently augured the coming flood of Safari rip-offs built around Apple's WebKit. Although a few have appeared, it has not been in the numbers we anticipated, indicating that our Scientifically Limitless Underground Research Performing Eugenics on Developers (SLURPED) is proceeding apace, improving the gene pool of Mac shareware developers wherever they furtively mingle their gametes. A rigorously adhered-to program of sterilization and breeding disincentives helps to ensure that only the most HIG-abiding engineers are allowed to disperse their germinal fluids. Fortunately, in many of the specimens we examined, hygienic challenges and failures to interact socially precluded any significant risk of the occurrence of breeding, thus saving us from costly and violent vasectomies.
Nevertheless, such an ambitious program cannot completely eliminate the possibility of genetic mutations causing instances of shoddy software development in families previously unknown to suffer from the ailment. We therefore do not consider this a failure for the SLURPED program, but rather an opportunity for SLURPED to deploy new research enabling prediction of risk factors leading to useless software. This should allow us to promptly nip this type of behavior in the bud.
"But what of the software?" the more horrifyingly dimpled of the audience may be murmuring at this very moment. Hold onto your panty-line, Hedwig! We were getting to that. Yes, it claims to be "one of the fastest Web Browsers available on the Mac Platform." Although this statement could be considered "true" in an epistemologically challenged sense, the rendering relies on Safari's toolkit, making it no faster or slower than Safari in operation. We do concede that launch times may differ slightly, but this would only be noticeable by the most rixstery of meretricians.
You're shining like the brightest star, Oren Hazi and Yoav Weiss, a transmission on the midnight radio. Additionally your names have pleasing symmetry, but you still cannot avoid our proffered 10.6, lightly flavored with oil of bergamot.