January 09, 2004

Fancy Chicken Friday

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La gallina pregunta: ¿Dónde están los huevos?

Posted by jan at 10:06 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

January 08, 2004

WallFlower 1.0a1

WallFlower is a fun utility that displays images drifting about on your desktop. Choose from pre-made themes or create your own with the easy to use Theme Creator. Themes are easy to share with friends, just drag the theme file into an email and send it on it's way.

Wow. And you say it's written with this "REALbasic" thing? Huh. I see it comes in a super-cool installer .pkg, and conveniently overrides my install folder choice. Very well done, piDog.

But nevertheless, something nags at us slightly. Oh yes: the sheer fucking inutility of it all. And it's not fun (like Docktastic Pro for example); it's ugly.

In fact, our professional aestheticians have found WallFlower to be significantly uglier than any of the following, either alone, or in novel mix-n-match combinations:

  • Moltz and Schiller necking
  • Rixster enjoying his second egg-eating contest of the day
  • A anthrax-ridden wattled eelpout with poorly groomed anal soft rays
  • Pimento spumoni
  • George W. lovingly caressing a bear's prostate with one hand while deficit spending with the other
  • A hideous sucking wound delicately topped with salad cream
  • Colin Pillenger savoring a lovely Earl Gray enema

piDog, your suggested $20 donation (88 Israeli New Shekels) is unpossible! May we suggest lowering it to $3.14 (21.99 Dog Dollars), and including a floating turd theme? With these changes, your rating would remain the exact same 10.8, but you'd have the satisfaction of a job well done.

Download WallFlower

Posted by ladd at 01:31 AM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

January 06, 2004

fLOW 3.0.1

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This ever so slightly Germanic ambient soundscape generator indubitably bears the distinctive mark of that modern master of software design, Dr. Karlheinz Essl. You can say many things about Dr. Karlheinz Essl, but it would be a hideous untruth to claim that he is unable to slap together some brown and blue boxes in a blighted imitation of standard GUI components for his own nefarious ends. Dr. Karlheinz Essl is capable of this, and much more.

While the lavatorial tones of fLOW's burbling sets the scene, let us examine Dr. Karlheinz Essl's use of sliders, which are apparently supposed to lunge wildly about of their own accord. In so doing, they periodically leave distasteful "ring around the slider" -- a pixelly residue that would not be tolerated in a more refined application. Perhaps our rudimentary knowledge of Austrian culture is to blame.

Or perhaps Dr. Karlheinz Essl is too busy with his other pursuit, which can be most succinctly described with the following image:

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Still, how can we dislike a man who pursues his gurgling attempts at "music" with such passion that he declares:

I like an instrumental approach to electronics... the sensuality of grabbing things, using knobs and faders as if they had something to do with your body.

Well said, Dr. Karlheinz Essl, and for this, we award a space-filling 8.7, composed of equal parts water, fire, earth, and air, also taking into account the recipient's individual socio-cultural context. Don't ever stop grabbing things. Huzzah!

Download fLOW

Posted by ladd at 09:13 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

January 05, 2004

iWatermark 1.0.0

iWatermark is the simplest tool available for watermarking artwork, digital photos and other images that you can then put on the web or send via email. . . . It is not revolutionary to add your John Hancock (signature) to your artwork but iWatermark makes it quick and easy.

Oh, Script Software, how could you? The unfunny American Revolution joke was awful enough, but then you totally redlined the dork-o-meter by explaining it. People like you just don't deserve our love.

By the time we saw the dim flickering light at the end of your airless tunnel of watermarking misery, we could have created a vast self-reproducing tribe of monkey-duck hybrids using nothing more than the power of positive thinking.

Or, in an even shorter time, we could have used an illicit copy of Photoshop to watermark our entire collection of early 16th-century pornographia with a unique and delightfully drawn insignia that would remind you -- obliquely but inescapably -- of a lust-glazed platypus copulating with a rather skittish okapi.

At a whopping $20 (or the price of a virgin lamb in New South Wales), we find it hard to believe that anyone would intentionally purchase this derivative remnant of a bad idea. Script Software, perhaps you should pay homage to the spirit of '76 in your frantic bid for notoriety by heaving a few overtaxed bales of pekoe chai into the nearest harbor. May this ragged 9.8 flutter bravely o'er the glory fields as you march to meet your doom!

Download iWatermark

Posted by naomi at 07:42 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

January 04, 2004

TheGoodBook 3.8

The Lord works in mysterious ways. Colin Owen, on the other hand works under the influence of sticky bottom syndrome, which is normally caused by a failure to ingest one's own caecotrophs. Since his groundbreaking release of WorshipLeader, Colin has been furiously working both on improving his hagiographic website, and developing this update to TheGoodBook.

As Colin has taken the moral high ground by not writing any release notes post-3.6, we are not quite sure what went into this release. It seems that there is a "skins" feature which may have minced down the pike recently. To our great dismay, skins does not cause deliciously gratuitous nudity within the application, but only succeeds in making TheGoodBook even more swolled up and uglified than before.

Once we had fully explored the skins, we did not attempt to use TheGoodBook in its address booking capacity, as functions like "Bak on Q" and "Delete safe" scared us mightily, and suggested a barely-contained holocaust of hard-disk wrecking horror, mere clicks away. While we would normally attempt a more daring exploration, the very real possibility of TheGoodBook suddenly attempting to cast the demons out of our email was too great a risk to take.

At a mere £10 (20,118 Mongolian Tugriks), we were tempted to register this outstanding piece of shareware, until we realized that Colin Owen Music Ministries cannot possibly guarantee eternal salvation with our purchase. We subsequently came to our senses, and assigned this outstandingly ugly "programme" the ineptly sanctified 11 it so richly deserves.

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"There really is a 'hell'"

Download TheGoodBook

Posted by ladd at 11:03 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack